Listen to my day. I'll make it quick. Really. I will.
I got a new kid.
He doesn't know how to write his name without looking at his nametag. I know this because I didn't have a nametag for him. Because I didn't know he was coming. Because he's new. And because no one told me. And when I said, "Write your name.", he looked at me like I was the shortest person he'd ever seen on earth and how in the world could I be the person in charge of running this classroom.
We are getting to know one another.
He doesn't like me.
That's okay because I had my doctor appointment today and my doctor likes me. I say this with confidence because one of us had to take our clothes off for the other one. I think that's a good indication of a close relationship.
Now it's night time. Tori and Dean and Teen Mom 2 are on the agenda. And possibly another ice cream bar. It's either that or wine because the doctor didn't offer me any.
Let's get down to business.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I was a bit bored. Were you? I got a good giggle from Paul and all of the air coming out of his body post-colonoscopy. "Oh no . . . "
There was a lot of wedding. Last week, I said I wasn't interested. I wasn't. I did take notice of the fact that Pandora's cake cost more than her dress. Is this normal? I have no idea. Being the Las Vegas bride and all, I didn't get married on a tennis court. Just next to a black jack table. Does that count? I was happy that Lisa let Ken walk her down the aisle. I thought she might do that. Pandora seemed . . . well, it just seemed like she was overly concerned with her hair. She looked at her hair way more than she looked at her groom.
I did love Jiggy's tux. I would like to kidnap him and let him run naked and free over here in my house. Although I think Syd might think he was a stuffed animal and tear him to bits.
What else really happened? One minute we were at a wedding and three weeks later, Russell had died. Was that weird editing to you? And what about Camille's new stranger-man-with-all-of-those-abs-but-no-face? Perplexing.
Kim is in rehab. All I can say is phew. PHEW!
I did not see previews for a reunion. PLEASE tell me there will be a reunion!! Part one and two, please! Does anyone know??
The Bachelor: Much better in the drama department. I mean, in the first five minutes, we've got Kacie B. crying. No. Stop. Don't do that in the FIRST FIVE MINUTES!!!
Rachel -- she got to go in the helicopter. I'm so tired of the helicopter. And the scenic views. And the headphones. I'm just sick of it. We need something else.
Ben and Rachel were awkward. AWKWARD. I could barely watch. Rachel kept doing weird mouth twitches and lip disappearances (come to think of it, we had a lot of mouth things going on) and they had nothing to say to one another. And then after all of that, they agreed they had a vibe and he gave her the rose. WHY? WHAT VIBE? Did ABC tell him he had to keep her? EXPLAIN.
Then it's group date time. Ben rides in on a horse. Or, actually, the horse jumps into the water without Ben being prepared and he looks a
Courtney kills me. We would not be friends. Nope.
And then she caught a fish. Dang it.
When she is talking to Ben, her itty bitty poopy baby voice makes me want to . . . I want to . . . Oh. It's just so FAKE!
Don't forget the drama at the end of the group date with Samantha. My hubs walked in the room right about that time and when he saw Samantha, he said, and I quote, "Holy fake boobs!"
Well, everyone, let her be a lesson to you. Don't you dare complain about being on group dates. And you'd better not be highly emotional. You can be lowly emotional but that's it. Go above lowly and you're out. SEE YA!
Time for Courtney on stage again. Obviously, she was nominated for an Oscar and Ben congratulated her with a rose. Take a bow, Courtney. Charlie Sheen would be proud.
Onto the one on one with Jennifer - the cute little girl from Oklahoma. I like her. I didn't like their date. Once again, we're afraid of heights. But while we're afraid, just to make it interesting, let's get into our bikinis, too, shall we? And let's say this again, "If we can conquer this thing, we'll have trust . . . " Gross, yuck, disgusting. Please, just be quiet.
And the concert? Please don't dance. Don't. Please. Just stop.
I loved that Blakely (the girl crying by the luggage that inspired me to do the same a couple of weeks ago) is now "back in the group" and can DO HAIR. She's alright in my book if she can take care of my roots. Girl
Rose Ceremony: Oh my word. Guys, did you hear that Emily is bothered by Courtney? She's bothered. It bothers her. The whole thing is bothersome. Emily told on Courtney to Ben. Ben thought the telling could lead to her demise. HER DEMISE. Talk about serious. It really bothers Emily. I wonder if Emily has bothersome brothers or brothers who bother her?
As Emily and Courtney talked about each other, both of their mouths twitched and pursed and moved and had a touch of Bewitched in them. Don't you think?
It's that time. Ben hands out roses.
There's only one left. It's a nail biter.
Alas, Emily survives another day.
We've lost poor Monica. I had no idea she liked him. Did you? I'm always so worried about the girls in the limo. Do they have a therapist in there? They certainly don't have kleenex. At the very least, the limo should be equipped with kleenex! I mean, really. Or me. I could be in the limo. I could listen and wipe away tears and nod my head . . . I could do that.
So that wraps it up.
The Bachelor beat Real Housewives.
But my doctor visit takes the cake.
Which makes me think of ice cream. Please excuse me . . . :)