Hold onto your dignity – last night’s episode might just take it away.
HOLY MACK! HOLY DRAMA! HOLY TANK TOPS!
The episode wasted no time in getting right down to it. So I won’t waste any time either.
Dodgeball!! No thank you. Dodgeball is a NIGHTMARE for me because I can’t catch or throw a ball in any situation . . . and I practically live in fear while I’m on recess duty that a ball is going to hit me on accident. The fact that the purpose of dodgeball is to actually aim and hit someone?? Listen here. NO THANK YOU, I said.
I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that there was a lot of testosterone flying around . . . and balls. (Hee hee)
And then Brooks (not to be confused with the Brooks from The Real Housewives of Orange County) jammed his finger. Maybe he broke it. I don’t know. But he rode away dramatically in an ambulance. Desiree handled it quite well – I think we already all know how I react to any kind of finger situation.
Brooks needed oxygen! And they had to draw blood! And he said his body felt funny! And that he was in A LOT of pain!
I’m thinking he’s never broken his arm or his femur. How about you?
Blue team won. But Desiree decided to take everyone to the after party because she’s just that type of girl.
Some guy named Chris, who came from out of nowhere and figured out a way to climb some stairs or take an elevator to the roof, got the rose. So then Desiree and Chris had to do some obligatory dancing at a private concert. I didn’t catch who was singing, but it sounded romantical. I liked it.
Dun Dun Dun! Desiree received a phone call while she was journaling or drawing or thinking deeply while on camera. It was Chris Harrison on the line and he had some news for her.
Brian is a LIAR. A LIAR! Read that as if I’m growling and spitting. LIAR!
Desiree let him talk on and on and dig a hole. They were all just setting him up. It was fantastic. I just hope it was real. Do you think it was real? Or a whole big thing for
me us? I mean, I live for this stuff so I am thinking that you must, too.
I ask mainly because Brian’s girlfriend, Stephanie, seemed like a bad actress. And really worried about her hair.
Who told Stephanie that Brian was on The Bachelorette? ABC? Chris Harrison? HUH? WHO?
So Brian was asked to leave. He was a bit panicked because I’m sure he’ll be the next most hated man in America or whatever the title or award is for that role.
It just all boils down to “HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASON”. I just can’t get that rap out of my head.
Before we could get to the one-on-one date, we had to watch cute little Brandon cry about all the men his mother dated and how he fell in love with them, but then they left. He needs a therapist. Quick. He’s a bit of a mess! A cute mess. He needs a hug. I’d hug him, but I’m afraid he might not let go.
One on One:
Oh, people. What will they think of next? They Vandalooped. Which, by the way, I am totally making up the spelling of that word because I refuse to look up a made up word for a made up sport which someone must have made up JUST FOR THE BACHELORETTE.
(In case you were wondering, vandalooping is dancing on the side of a building. Horizontally. I know. I would totally rock that.)
In a nutshell: the date was disastrous due to Santa Ana winds and a cold pool. But Desiree gave Kasey the rose.
Cowboy Boot Camp in costumes. Need I say more? I like good ole boys. And boys with accents. I’m not picky either. Southern accent? Sure. Juan Pablo’s accent? Why not? I’d hug him, too.
Desiree gave James (the big, huge guy with an ill father at home) the rose on the group date. He was sort of charming. I don’t know much about him, but I’m attracted to how big he is. Just saying. This teeny tiny girl likes big guys. What can I say?
The rose ceremony was cancelled. Instead, Desiree threw a pool party. Stupid Ben cut her off at the pass and made her drive him around in the car that she is borrowing and could never afford in real life.
And let’s all point out THE RIDICULOUS TANK TOP from Emily’s season when Ryan wore it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What in the world? Seriously? WHY? I know we’ve discussed this tank top before. I don’t like it. You can’t make me. I do not care that it was black and Ryan’s may have been pink. Am I making that up?
Stupid Ben then lied about spending time with Desiree so the guys were understandably upset.
Brandon came on super strong with Desiree – he poured out his entire heart and I was a tad bit worried that she might accidentally drive over it in the Bentley.
She sent Dan (???) and Brandon home.
Brandon was a MESS. He didn’t understand. He said his heart was smashed with a hammer, but I’m pretty sure the better metaphor would be “ran over it with the Bentley”.
Here’s what you need to understand, Brandon. She didn’t leave you. She’s still in the mansion and you’re the one leaving.
Poor guy. Seriously – he needs therapy.
And that’s it, folks.
What a fun episode. I’m telling you – TOP DRAWER. 🙂
I love watching the little bit that airs after the previews for next week. Last night’s episode showed the guys trying to teach Juan Pablo how to speak in a “cowboy” accent. It was pretty funny if you go for that sort of thing. I do.
🙂 Have a great night!