I have had a FULL DAY of back to school shopping, including eating at Olive Garden, and stopping by the district office to laminate stuff, as well. People, I am tired. But I crossed a bunch of stuff off my list so it feels good.
I totally forgot that last night’s episode of The Bachelorette was going to be the Guys Tell All. It was not what I expected, but I have to say it was a welcome change.
It started out with Bachelorette Viewing Parties, aka Bachelor Nation Get Togethers. Desiree and Chris Harrison toured the country and crashed all sorts of parties. I can’t believe how many people would be watching the episodes together in one place — I don’t think I could handle that because I would be afraid other people might yell at the TV and that my comments might not be heard. Shudder.
We also had the pleasure of seeing J.D. and Ashley, The Mesnicks with their new baby, and Trista. It was like a walk down memory lane. Tra la la la.
Desiree sat down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali and they gave her advice on how to confront the “bad boys” of the season. I need to sit down with those girls and have them help me confront all my boyfriends because, as I’ve said before, I’m still dating most of them because I couldn’t break up with them.
Chris opened the show by reliving the drama of the whole season. Let’s recap quickly.
1. Fantasy Suite Guy – bleck.
2. Brian – Secret Girlfriend/Bad Actress from home.
3. Ben – IDIOT.
Ben sat in the hot seat first. He had a huuuuuge chip on his shoulder. He didn’t exactly apologize or regret much — and the guys still don’t like him. Apparently, his son’s mother approached one of the guys that I don’t even remember (who was that guy?) and told him a whole bunch of stuff, including that Ben didn’t even have custody of his son. It was heated. It was awkward. And it was super uncomfortable.
James was up next. Remember, he’s the guy that thought he would be the next bachelor. Wellllll, he tried to say that it was all Mikey’s doing and he kept repeating this phrase, “That’s what REAL MEN do.” Hmmm. James is actually a child so I didn’t understand his point.
The cameras showed the audience while Chris interviewed James. The looks on the women’s faces cracked me up!! They were all bug-eyed and disgusted and in disbelief. Seriously, one of my favorite parts of the Guys Tell All were the cameras panning the audience. It should have its own show: Audience Filled with Women Make Faces. I think it could be a huge hit.
Mikey tried to explain his side. In order to do so, he needed to stand up and talk very loudly and shake his finger. I was not intimidated, Mikey. I mean, your name is Mikey. Therefore, I will never be intimidated.
Here’s some news for you, boys. Looky here. Heads up. Listen closely.
Neither one of you will be the next bachelor.
But Kacey might! Gee Whiz. Kacey went to town! He said what he needed to say and he stood up (while sitting down) to those big She-cago guys. And then adorable Juan Pablo told James he couldn’t date his daughter or his sister. Haha!
So then it was Juan Pablo’s turn in the hot seat because he is a FAN FAVORITE. FINALLY. ABC heard me!!
I don’t know if it was his accent, or how charming he was, or that he loves his daughter, or what . . . but he was just doing it for me, people. I mean, even the GUYS liked him!
I nominate Juan Pablo to be the next bachelor!! Who’s with me?
Zak was up next. Funny Zak. Happy Zak. Sweet Zak. Oh, Zak. Sometimes he forgets to wear a shirt, poor guy.
He’s just sweet and sad. I think girls will flock to him now. Don’t you?
Then Desiree finally came out. She got onto Ben for a little bit, but didn’t really come down too hard on him. She needs RTI on confrontation. Her and I could be in the same group.
Chris then asked Desiree about James . . . and James tried to talk in circles again and said, “If I talk about other girls, IT’S OKAY.” Shut up, James. Seriously. Just pipe down. Then he tried to say it was a “Reality TV Show”. GASP! What?! How dare he?!
Next up, Zak sang a song to Des as a way to get closure.
🙁 SAD SAD SAD. But it was actually really pretty if you like country songs.
It ended with some funny bloopers – my favorite always. I love bloopers. Don’t you wish that sometimes you could see the bloopers that you’ve made?
For example, today, when I went to Michael’s, all I needed was clear cellophane treat bags. But then I remembered that I needed a dowel stick for this thingamajig-pointer-pen that I’m going to rig up on this doohickey that I bought from the teacher supply store. (That makes total sense, right?)
So I ran out to the car to grab the thingamajig-pointer-pen. And I had to dig around in a few bags to find it. So I set my purse down. And then I set the clear cellophane treat bags down.
And that’s when I remembered that I hadn’t paid for the clear cellophane treat bags.
And that I had walked out of the store with them.
That’s a pretty big blooper, if you ask me.
I ran/walked back into Michael’s expecting to see police officers and a TV news anchorwoman and a cameraman. I expected to be detained and questioned.
But nothing happened. Apparently I live in a city in which clear cellophane treat bags are free.
So I found the right size dowel, some ribbon, some baskets, some of this and some of that, (because all I needed were bags, ya know) and then I paid for all of it, including the treat bags. Because I am honest. And true. And it was just a blooper. That’s all. But I’m sure it would be hilarious for a TV viewing audience to see. I can just picture the look on my own face when I realized what I’d done.
Anywho, Chris Harrison said he really really really means it when he says it’s the most dramatic season finale EVER. It’s so dramatic that they had to split it up into two parts. Whoa.
After they showed the previews, we could have had episode two of the Audience Filled with Women Make Faces.
Now we wait.
It better be good. That’s all I’m saying! Or I’m going to learn to confront someone in real life . . . just you wait.
Courtney Bartlett says
You are so funny! At least the noise making thief detectors didn't go off when you went out of the store. I always feel guilty when they go off by mistake when I'm walking out. I feel like I actually did take something and that I should walk a little faster.
Swimming into Second
Ahaha, the cellophane bag story made me laugh out loud. This is not quite the same – sort of the inverse – but one night in college I was driving home and stopped at Taco Bell. I ordered my chalupa, pulled up to the window, paid, and then drove away. WITHOUT MY FOOD. The worst part was, I had pulled away only a little bit (to put the money back in my purse) and in the rearview mirror, I saw the guy shaking a bag of food at me. But I thought he was just telling me to drive away! I didn't realize until 10 minutes and 5 miles later that I had no food. Soo ditzy. And no I did not go back for it. Way too ashamed, haha.
Miss Kindergarten says
Do we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!? I may have just cheated and googled to see…
Your recaps are hilarious. I love this post! 🙂
The Polished Teacher says
I heard the next bachelor might be Jef with only 1 F but the one after that better be Juan Pablo because I would thoroughly enjoy 2 hours a week of his accent. They have been needing higher ratings and Juan Pablo would definitely be an easy fix for that!
The Polished Teacher
As always, I love your recaps… sometimes it's better than watching the episodes 🙂 Oh, and totally understood that thingamabob thingy.
Go Fourth and Inspire
Oh man, I LOVE me some Juan Pablo! I wish he would be the next bachelor, but I have a feeling it might be Zak. I liked Zak, although he seems to be a little off his rocker. Can't wait for the finale!
Kerri and Lindsay says
Okay…..lovin your recap and STILL loving how amazing Juan Pablo was last night!!!! The little tweets on the bottom of the screen totally crack me up and my favorite was that you can use Juan Pablo as both a noun AND a verb….. As in "I would totally Juan Pablo that." Random, I know. 😉
Can't wait to find out who the next Bachelor will be!! 🙂
I vote for Juan Pablo to be the next bachelor! He is a dream, and I could listen to him talk forever! Plus he is a soccer player and they have nice legs, or as Des said they have nice butts! LOL
Amy J says
I was laminating while I was watching the bachelor but how in the world did I miss Zak singing a song to Des for closure? Oh my. That makes me very sad. Was it hard for everyone not to giggle?
Still trying to picture this…
What Happens in First Grade
Sooooooo over Kasey. He needs to move on with his life and stop caring about James and Mikey.
I would be happy with Zak or Juan Pablo as the next Bachelor!
The faces of the audience members after the previews were absolutely ridiculous, especially considering that we have ALL seen these previews for weeks. Haha!!
Great recap! I think Zak might be the next bachelor. He is funny and outgoing. He would make for great tv. Although my favorite is Drew. Not sure how the show turns out but I have feeling Drew is going to be out…. if so, then he could be the next bachelor. Can't wait for next Monday.
April Jones says
I discovered your blog about 2 weeks ago. You crack me up!! Just wanted to say Thanks! 🙂
I love your hilarious recap! I am so obsessed with this show. I am rooting for Juan Pablo to be the next Bachelor. I can't wait to hear what you think about tonight's episode. I was so depressed afterwards!