Okay, first, I loved loved loved all of the comments and chit chat on my blog and Facebook last week regarding The Bachelor! It made me happy to be Talking About It and I read every single comment so KEEP IT UP! 🙂
HERE WE GO!
Cheers to Ben and the adventure of a lifetime! That’s not my line, a bachelorette actually said it, but since I had a glass of wine while watching . . . well, cheers to you, too!
The episode opened with us getting to watch Ben put his pants on. I doubt the bachelorettes believe it, but . . . he puts them on one leg at a time. We also got to watch him do his hair and drink a cup of coffee. It.was.fascinating. Be.still.my.heart.
The first group date card arrived and Lace said she hoped she would be on that date because she realized that she was drunk and emotional the first-go-round, and she wanted a chance to redeem herself. She also said she was not crazy. But I say I’m not crazy all the time, and I am crazy so it takes one to know one, and denial is the first sign of a crazy person. Really. That’s what I was told.
The first group date was at a high school. BACHELOR High School. Ben said a lot of his fondest memories were at high school, such as his first kiss and athletics.
I have fond memories of high school, too. Assemblies and pep squad and BACHELORS. Because, at my high school, all of the boys were bachelors. Not one was married, if you can believe that. So I’m pretty sure every single high school is Bachelor High School, but what do I know?
Chris Harrison acted as if he was the principal and he wore a sweater vest and glasses. I know all principals wear glasses and sweater vests, right?
The girls had to break into teams of two and “take” four classes. First up was the Science fair and they had to create some type of concoction so that a volcano or something would erupt (as if that wasn’t some type of innuendo, puh-leaze) and only the first three teams were going to advance.
You will be happy to know that Lace and Jubilee did not make the cut. Aw, shucks.
Next up was the cafeteria (which is not a class, what in the world, hello?) where they had to bob for apples and transfer apples without their hands . . . and everyone just kept saying how they bet Jackie was wishing for a bigger mouth and how Jackie wasn’t great with her mouth because she couldn’t get the apple out of the tank . . . and once again, we have another type of innuendo and what is going on? When I was in high school, we took actual classes with lectures and exams, thank you very much!
Next up was geography and they had to find the state of Indiana on the United States map and I’m telling you right now I’m not sure I would know where it is because I’ve never been there. I apologize to all Indies. Or Indianans. Or people from Indiana. One team put the state sideways and they were super embarrassed but, hey, listen, they got it in the right vicinity. I’m a teacher who looks for effort! Good job, girls! You’ll get it next time! And I’ll remember where Indiana is now, thanks to the Bachelor Franchise which means this is not just a dumb show where everything is scripted! See? I told you, Steve! It’s also very educational.
Last up was PE and the teams had to play basketball. The first team to have both members make a free throw would win the whole shebang. As in, BEN.
Yellow Team was the “winner” but since there were two members, there was a “playoff”. Mandi, the self proclaimed WEIRD dentist and Amber, the former bachelorette from Farmer Chris’ season, had to battle it out by running hurdles.
Weird Dentist Girl won. I know.
This meant that Weird Dentist Girl was “homecoming queen” and she won “time with Ben”. I don’t think anything happened though, because we didn’t get to see one minute of their alone time. Not one minute, people. How weird is that?
It skipped straight to the Group Date Cocktail I’m Going to Steal You Now Hour. Becca stole him first and he was very very very intrigued with her (let’s not forget that she is still a virgin).
Next was Jennifer (I don’t know) and Ben leaned in to kiss her and they had a lot of chemistry. The other girls asked if they kissed and Jennifer said oh yes, yes, we did. This sent Lace into hysterics.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the doorbell rang, so all of the remaining girls not on the date FREAKED THE FREAK OUT because IT WAS A DATE CARD, IS IT A DATE CARD? IT’S A DATE CARD!!!! And Olivia, Dimples Girl, First Impression Rose Girl, News Anchor Girl (this is all the same person, I’m just being thorough because I’ve called her a lot of different things) went nuts and I am not kidding. See for yourself:
I don’t mean to be mean, but holy cow, she would have been UH-MAZING at the apple bobbing part of the High School date had she been on it.
Also, she looks completely different without makeup on, doesn’t she?
Anyways, SHE KEPT HER MOUTH OPEN forever and she was 100% sure she was going to get the one-on-one date because she was the front runner, she got the first impression rose, this is a done deal AND THEN Caila got the date card.
Here’s how Olivia felt about it:
Back on the group date, Lace was concerned that he wasn’t paying attention to her and also that he didn’t get to know the “real” Lace so she stole him and apologized for her behavior the night before.
Ben said he appreciated her apology so that made her feel as if they were on the same page again, and she said she felt special.
So special, in fact, that she felt as if they were doing something with their eyes which I cannot say on here so you’ll have to use your imagination, but holy cow, I didn’t know it was something you could do with your eyes! I guess it’s a 2016 thing.
Lace felt like they were going to kiss (they weren’t) when Jubilee interrupted. We learned that Jubilee was an orphan in Haiti until she was six, and then she got adopted. Yay!!! And then they kissed.
Lace complained and complained about how she didn’t get any time, even though some girls had zero time, and BAM! She went and interrupted someone else so that she could get more time.
THE GIRLS WERE NOT HAPPY.
But Jojo was happy because Ben went to grab her himself. And he was all about her. He was super attracted to her “bubbleliness” on the high school part of the day. They kissed. And the music soared. And then Jojo got the group date rose.
The next day was Caila’s one on one date. Chris Harrison showed up with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart because ABC is trying to change the Bachelor’s reputation by getting more men to watch, right? Also, Ben is really . . . oh . . . just . . . not that exciting . . . maybe even a tad bit boring . . . so maybe they needed these guys to liven things up.
I really got a bit lost during this part because Caila and Ben were in a convertible, but Kevin and Ice Cube were in the back. And Caila’s hair was flying all over the place. And there was a bit about a liquor store and condoms and hard liquor . . . and then they were at a hot tub store and Caila had ZERO FAT ON HER BODY and she MADE ME MAD and it made me miss my youth and, by youth, I mean I never looked like that ever.
Kevin Hart was in the tub with them, but when he got out there was that black box so I think he might have been naked but really? REALLY? It was just so odd. How is this a one-on-one date? And, supposedly, Chris Harrison planned it. WHAT IN THE WORLD? I am here to tell you I did not get it.
Eventually, they had dinner together one-on-one. This is what I heard the most: like, like, like, um, like, um, like, blah, blah, like, um. They are super cute together so, um, like, that’s good.
He gave her the rose. And then they walked into some little theater where Ben’s favorite artist just happened to be singing with no one in the room . . . and they had to dance to . . . like, um, you know, a private concert?
COME ON! We go from Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to the ABC Bachelor Franchise Formula of a Private Concert So You Better Know How To Dance And Kiss At The Same Time?
COME ON, MAN!
Next up was the second group date. They went to some sort of place with scientists and white lab coats and some robotic Sheldon From Big Bang Theory Type of Situation. It was all about Dr. Love and finding out . . . well, I don’t really know. It was about the science of love or some such thing. There was some type of an eye test and then they had to run on a treadmill (no, thank you, that’s not a date, not ever, that’s torture) so Ben could smell them. SMELL THEM. Blindfolded. They ran, they were sweating, and then he had to smell them. Yes. I’m telling the truth.
Most of the time, Ben said they smelled sweet and flowery, but he said one poor girl, Sam, smelled sour. She blamed the shirt.
Next, they had to do some sort of infrared, scientific, laser, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying too close attention, but I think it was a love lab, and the other girls had to watch. It was bizarre. And not normal.
Then the girls were scored on a scale from 1 – 10, and poor little Sour Sam only scored a 2 point something which is just not okay. I mean, let’s just announce it to everyone, why don’t we? GEESH. Once again, I’m the type of teacher who does not announce these types of things and, instead, chooses to focus on the positive, such as Sam is as cute as a button and it’s the shirt’s fault! And, not only that, I would give her another try! First, let’s intervene, then we can reassess.
Of course, Olivia won with a score of seven point something. Dr. Love said Ben and Olivia had something very special. BARF. Ben stole Olivia first at the Group Date Cocktail I’m Going to Steal You Now Hour and they kissed and blah blah blah.
Here’s how she felt about their kiss. I can’t make this stuff up.
The girls asked Olivia how her one-on-one time went and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. This did not go over well.
Ben redeemed himself with Sam. I think he listened to me. He told her he could have used so many other words besides sour, and he asked if he could smell her again. He came back with passion fruit. Good job, Ben.
Next, Ben met with Amanda, the mother of two little girls. She is super soft spoken and almost reminds me of Emily Maynard. He likes her. They kissed. She felt a connection and expected the rose.
But, oh no, no. He gave the rose to Olivia who has no idea how to be humble and I don’t like this Dimples Girl anymore. She said I don’t even know what a rose ceremony is. You know, because she got the first impression rose and then the group date rose and I AM OVER THIS CHICK.
We finally got to the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony. Everyone was nervous, and wanted more time, and Olivia said he’s her man, and said she’s Wifey. She said she deserved more time with him so she took it. When she came back from her Kiss-ey Face time with Ben, she said so now I’m done, have at it, hope you can respect that. It was GROSS.
When Lace spoke to Ben, she said I know you think I’m crazy, I have a bold personality, I’m a lot to handle, I was a really dorky looking kid, I had these double bangs, my dad called me Rosanna Danna, and my brother pretended he didn’t know me, and I have a lot to work on, a certain side of myself . . . and my spaceship should be here any minute.
Alright, she didn’t say the spaceship part But she went off the deep end, regretted letting her insecurities out, and cried.
Ben liked Lauren B. and gave her a picture, and he liked another girl that he gave a first prize ribbon to, and then he had barrettes and bows for Amanda so that they could make some hair things for her two daughters. How cute is that? I mean. SWOON. Really. I don’t think any other bachelor has done something that sweet for someone’s children, but remind me if I’m wrong.
While he was giving out the roses, he called a sweet little girl from Oklahoma (I think her name was LB?) and she asked to speak to him before accepting it. And next thing you know, she decided to leave. Very quietly. No drama. Just bye bye. That’s a smart girl, right there. I love those Okies!
In the end, Sam did not get a rose. Which is just so sad. I really liked Sam. She just seemed so real. Jackie and Crazy Dentist also went home.
And that’s it, that’s all, that’s all she wrote.
Until next Tuesday!
Leave your thoughts! Is Olivia the new villain?????