Oh, you faithful and fabulous blog readers of mine . . . I just love you!!
🙂
When I asked Instagram, as in the people who follow me on Instagram, and not all of Instagram which is virtually unending if my feed is any indication, if they had any questions for me, I didn’t get any. Not one. I got some comments from some very well meaning people and that is all.
But when I asked YOU, my faithful and fabulous blog readers, if you had any questions for me, well, be still my heart because yes, you did, you really did, and I’m ready to answer them. Some are school related, some are not, they’re really all across the board and that makes me super happy because that means you all are my people.
I’m calling this post FAQ Part 1 because I’ll need to write multiple posts to answer all of the questions I’ve been asked.
But that’s just fun, if you ask me! That also guarantees I’ll be blogging consistently, too . . . hey, wait a minute . . . is that what all the questions are for? 😉
To get started, I’m answering a BIG one. Possibly even THE question. It kind of makes me who I am.
So instead of Frequently Asked QuestionS, this is just going to be Frequently Asked QuestioN. Just one. One question and one answer today. Because my answer is LOOOONNNNNG. There is nothing teeny tiny in my answer.
Here’s the question:
Do you struggle with not being able to have kids- can you share your heart on this?
I feel like I’ve talked about this before, but it’s possible it was way way way back when I first started blogging in 2011. So I’m going to pretend we’ve never talked about it and just start from the beginning.
Right after Steve and I got married, the entire world kept asking when are you going to have kids (I mean, is it just me or is this question asked right after the whole you may kiss the bride part?) and we kept saying in a couple of years. But when you say that every couple of years for many years in a row, the next thing you know, you’ve been married for ten years, you’re no longer a spring chicken, and you have no children.
Now.
To be clear, I was happy to be childless. Everyone around me was having babies and I wanted no part in it. NONE.
Don’t get me wrong. I felt weird. Abnormal. What the heck was wrong with me? Did I need counseling? Why didn’t I want a baby? Where was my desire to have one?
I’m telling you, the thought of having a baby freaked me out. It made me feel like throwing up. I just couldn’t even picture a life with a baby. I would try. I would be upstairs in my bedroom and picture a bassinet next to me, and then I couldn’t get any further than that.
I seriously thought I was missing a very important gene of some sort. When you’re surrounded by people who want babies, are having babies, who meet you for lunch with their babies, when SOCIETY says three years is probably too long to be married without children, and you want no part in it, you start to doubt yourself.
Luckily for me, my parents and my siblings never once pressured me. Not once. My mom even said to me Kristin, you do not have to have children. Because that’s what it felt like. I HAD TO. The way you HAVE to go to the dentist or the way you HAVE to put gas in your car or the way you HAVE to pay your taxes.
Steve was right there with me. Happy to be childless. But still feeling like . . . people were looking at us funny.
GET THIS.
Once, when I used to work out at the local gym at 5am in the morning (as opposed to walking down my hallway and getting on the treadmill right here in my very own house), I was walking past the treadmills, and one of the guys running on one STOPPED ME. Turns out, he was a father of a student at my school, and he and his wife were debating on whether or not to switch tracks. This was back when our school was year-round with four different tracks. They wanted to switch to my track for whatever reason and because there were only two first grade teachers on my track, the likelihood that their child could end up in my class was high. Or rather, 50/50. But any who, as I stood next to his treadmill in all of my sweaty glory and no make-up, and mismatched work-out clothes, he said . . . and I quote . . .
We just want to make sure you won’t be getting pregnant any time soon and going out on maternity leave.
Oh. Okay then.
So basically you’re asking if my husband and I are having unprotected sex. Hi. Nice to meet you. Let’s discuss.
Can you even believe that? But it was because I was at that age. Married and childless, and where in the heck are all my babies?
WHERE ARE THEY?
Sounds like the title of a Lifetime movie but it was my life.
It gets worse.
You won’t believe this one. I really don’t think you’ll even believe it.
But one day, after school, I was alone in my room, prepping or planning or who-knows-what, I’m sure it was brilliant, and a mom of a student of mine popped in. And I can’t quote her because I’m still a tiny bit in shock (years later) that this even happened, but she said something along the lines of . . .
I heard you’ve been married for ten years so I want to give you this contact of mine. It’s my fertility doctor. He is amazing. It’s how I got my twins!
You guys.
She assumed I was infertile because I had been married for ten years and had no children. And the reason she knew I had been married for ten years was because when I went off track in November, Steve and I went to England and Italy for our tenth anniversary, and I told everyone about it who would listen because ENGLAND AND ITALY.
I know she meant well. I know that. BUT TO COME TO MY ROOM AFTER SCHOOL? WHEN WE’D NEVER EVEN DISCUSSED MY FERTILITY (OR LACK THEREOF) EVER? EVER?!
I can’t make this stuff up.
One of my former teammates had two babies back to back, and she told me to have a baby so that we could be in the same boat. I was like . . . um, you stay in your boat, and meanwhile I’m going to see about getting on a plane to somewhere far away, but hey, thanks for the invite.
So yes. I felt like I needed counseling because obviously, something was EXTREMELY WRONG WITH ME.
AND THEN.
When I was 38, I finally went to the doctor after ignoring every physical symptom EVER for at least ten years, symptoms such as feeling dizzy and wanting to pass out while blow drying my hair (I would take breaks and feel annoyed that I was running late, rather than scared or nervous something was wrong with me), feeling dizzy and wanting to pass out while showering (so I would sit down on the shower stall floor – doesn’t everyone?), having heart palpitations while exercising, then while resting, then starting to call them “my episodes” like I was on a TV show (hey, Steve, today my episode lasted for an hour), looking at my heart rate watch while on the Elliptical at the gym and seeing it flash 200 and then telling Steve this dumb heart watch thing is broken, it said my heart rate was 200 beats per minute, how dumb!, and feeling so tired at the end of the day that the stairs up to bed looked like Mount Everest and I didn’t know how I would be able to do it, and on and on it goes. After a four hour episode (palpitations, dizziness, sweating, shortness of breath) in which I was doing NOTHING but sitting on the couch, I finally decided I should see the doctor.
People. Listen to your body. Don’t do what I did because I was literally an idiot.
I was falling apart and an ACTUAL walking heart attack waiting to happen when I was diagnosed with a serious heart condition. It’s called Dilated Cardiomyopathy. The cardiologist sat my husband and I down to go over the diagnosis and one of the first things he asked was did we have children.
When we said no, he very quietly, but very firmly, said you cannot get pregnant now or ever. It will kill you.
And I was fine.
Steve was fine.
I’m telling you, it all just clicked into place. IT ALL MADE SENSE. Not only did God protect me from getting pregnant in the past when I had this heart condition and didn’t even know it, He protected me EMOTIONALLY. Because I know so many women who would have been devastated to get this news. And I was fine.
Did I shed a tear when he said I needed to limit my alcohol use?
Possibly.
😉
JUST KIDDING! Two glasses of wine is my limit, anyway, and that’s usually only on Saturday night.
But isn’t God amazing?
There was never ANYTHING wrong with me.
I was NOT meant to have children and God protected my heart so that I could accept it.
It still blows my mind!
And yes, sometimes, on rare occasions, Steve and I would toss around the idea of adoption, but much in the same way that you toss around the idea of winning the lottery and how you would spend it. And once or twice, I thought I might end up fostering a student at school, but then it never worked out.
And every once in a blue moon, when I’m freaking out about who will take care of me when I’m old, or who will visit me in the nursing home, I remember that I have my nieces and nephews who I love, and who I’ve built relationships with, and who are important to me, and I think I’ll be okay. And anyways, Kerry and I have a big ole plan to be two old ladies rooming together in a nursing home so it’s all good.
🙂
Plus, I have my fur baby. And I have my first graders year after year.
And my life is full.
So to answer the original question in a nutshell:
I do not struggle with not being able to have kids.
I know I’m not meant to have them.
God is good all the time.
And all the time, God is good.
And now I have a new platform for anyone who is struggling with fertility – I am a safe person to confide in because I’m not going to turn around and have to gently break the news that I am pregnant. I have been able to be that safe person for a few people!!
So that’s my story.
I’ll answer more questions next week . . . but don’t forget to check back on Halloween for my throw back post!!! You know the one!!!
Happy weekend!
Goodness sakes….how can I enjoy hearing the story of you when we don’t even know each other and don’t live in the same country?? Thank you for being someone who writes, so well, so honestly and with such honesty.
You are wonderful.
I agree with Sherry whole-heartedly.
Thank you!!
Sherry – wow!! You’re so sweet!! THANK YOU!! I really appreciate your kind words!!
OOPS! That was supposed to say with such humour!!!
Kristin, I know you just helped a whole lot of people… women and men! What a blessing you are! I am a mother, a grandmother and 1st grade teacher for MANY years. I have a child that I love,a grandchild that God has blessed me with for more reasons that I can state here. Bottom line… I love my students. I LOVE them. I nurture them, pray for them, feed some, clothe some.. I am ALL in. I started teaching ten years after I became a mother. This is what I know for sure. Had I been a teacher first, I would have never become a mother. Isn’t that harsh? I don’t mean it to be, but it’s the truth. I get all that I need from these little people. Although I love my child, being a mother was always a struggle. Perhaps my expectations of myself and my child were too high. There are no expectations with someone else’s child. You teach them, you love and nurture them, and then you send them on their way. I commend you for your honesty and being true to YOU. God is indeed good. He protected you, protected your potential child from being motherless, protected Your family from losing you. I, for one, think you’re amazing!
That does not sound harsh at all!! By the way, I used to say that teaching first grade was the best birth control around! Ha! So I hear you!!! Thank you for your beautiful words!! You’re so sweet!
I love this so much. I have been asked many times if I’m pregnant. I’m not even married. Obviously I know you don’t have to be married to get pregnant but I think it’s a weird thing to feel comfortable asking someone. At my former school, one mom asked me if I was pregnant. I said no, thinking she was just being a busybody. Then she goes “oh so you just gained weight?” I kid you not. I was in shock and actually cried later that night about it. Then she proceeds to ask me if I’m sure I’m not pregnant. How tactless can you be! Then the other day, my principal had his young kids at our school running wild and he says to me, “this is what you have to look forward to!” Then his wife goes, “are you pregnant?” It was awkward and weird and I just had to smile and say no. Then she goes “maybe someday.” I know they were well meaning but it’s just such an annoying thing to assume about someone. I might have kids or I might not. It doesn’t define my role as a woman. I love your honesty and humor. That alcohol comment 😂
Oh my wordddddddd – unbelievable!! I just think people DON’T think!!! Uggghhhhh. And you’re right – kids do not define our role as a woman. Thank you for reminding me of that!
So I feel a connection to you in this, different question, but awkward all the same…”Why aren’t you married?” It’s like I’m abnormal for not being married, not wanting to be set-up by all these people who know someone, who knows someone, whose brother is “really nice.” Nah, happy & single here – I enjoy my quiet house & when it’s too quiet I visit my parents for the weekend or plan a family thing with my sister & niece/nephews. I love my family & most of the time I’m grateful for my quiet sanctuary that is filled with all the things I LOVE, and my bank account that has enough money for me to pay all my bills ALONE, and that I’m independent…I am not short changed in anything. I say all the time in an answer to this question, “Better happy & single than unhappily married!” If I meet someone great, but I’m not out for the purpose of finding someone or searching for love – I do things that interest me and that I like (travel, reading, movies, dinner, etc.). If a relationship happens naturally, organically – that’s how it’s gotta be for this girl!
WOW! You’re amazing!! I really admire you. I’m sorry you get asked the marriage question all the time – I stand with you!!! You keep being happy in your life!!
Love this! Thanks for being so open and honest. And I can’t wait for your throw back post – it’s my all time favorite Halloween story ever.🎃
Thank you!
You are so amazing, I just love that you shared this! And thank you for being my safe person. XOXOXOX
You’re the best!! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. This is so well written! I don’t think I have or ever would ever ask someone questions like the ones you fielded, but it is a good reminder of the impact our words can have.
On a completely different subject….a school question for you! I hope it’s not too late. I know that you use Benchmark. Do you give spelling tests? With their word lists? How does that work?
Thanks!
Hi Brenda! Thank you!!! Feel free to email me at ateenytinyteacher@yahoo.com and I’ll tell you how we do spelling!
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and following you on insta & fb and could possibly be your “teeny tiny” east coast sister. More like a “teeny tiny chunky” version (lol), but I’ve been teaching the same time as you, same age, love my reality tv, travel, my hubby, and my dog children. I also have no children of my own (minus “my kids” in my 3rd grade class) and my precious nephew. My life is so full, too! Although it does still bother me when others want to doubt my happiness with this decision! Thank you for sharing this open and honest post! It’s great to know that there is someone else out there like me. 🙂
I love to hear about other couples like Steve and me!! HELLO!! We are not alone!! 🙂
This is so great to hear! My daughter also has a heart condition and knows she cannot get pregnant. She is 19 and in college and if she finds the right man to marry, they can consider adoption if they want to. But it is so nice to hear someone say you don’t have to have children in a marriage. Society tells us otherwise. Stay strong and be a voice to help other couple who feel the same way. Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh I hope your daughter is feeling okay – physically and emotionally!! Thank you!!
Thanks for sharing about God’s faithfulness to you and Steve. He really is amazing, and it shouldn’t surprise. But all the same I’m overwhelmed by it. Looking forward to your throwback story!
Jan
Laughter and Consistency
Yes, exactly!! I should never be surprised by God’s goodness, but then I often am!!
Thank you for sharing this and being so open! That is amazing! As a mom of two, I sometimes envy you, especially as a busy teacher too. But I am so grateful for them. I love that God protected your heart because I know there are so many struggling to have children and it is so incredibly painful for them.
Thank you!
Thank you for being so honest. My husband and I were married for 8 years before we had children. Everyone assumed we couldn’t have children. One day, one of my uncles finally told me” only God know why you can’t have kids” to which I replied, “ because I don’t stop taking birth control.”
Now, we have a 16 and almost 13 year old and let me tell you I love them dearly and would not trade them for anything, but kids are so much work!!! For me at least it is physically and emotional draining. And yes I do love my kids very much!
Love your blog!!!
Love your reply to your uncle!! And yes, parenting is the hardest job – I can’t imagine!
I have a teacher friend who likes to call me and my husband DINCs (Double Income, No Children) 🤣
Oh yes, we get that, too!!