I’ve made it through two WHOLE days of school.
Goodnight. See you in the morning.
Two whole days. Quick recap.
Yesterday: Inclement Weather Schedule due to the cold 60 degree weather with slightly windy conditions.
Yes. You read that right.
Luckily, it was lifted about forty minutes after being announced. I’m pretty sure an Eskimo called and set someone straight on what cold weather actually feels like.
Today: Paint-the-Blacktop Day so let’s send all the kids to the cafeteria.
Do not get me started. And if anyone can tell me which side of the blacktop is the south side, I’d greatly appreciate it because that’s the side we get to play on tomorrow.
Okay. Enough of that. Ready???
The Bachelor started off exactly the right way. Sean was in a bunch of scenes with his shirt off. I think he was exercising in most of them. Maybe. I’m not familiar with the terminology, but I do believe sweat was involved and I saw some pecs move.
Then they looked back on Sean’s heartbreak. Blah blah blah. There was a cute montage of Sean with his niece and nephew, Sean throwing rocks at the beach, Sean climbing rocks . . . Just keep your shirt off, Sean.
Then Arie came over. ?????? WHAT? Wait. For a second, I got a little nervous that we were getting a two-fer. Like a double wedding or something. Which is never really a good idea (just saying). I felt like Arie was in my way.
Move over, Arie. Scoot. I said, move over.
Listen here, buddy. Time for you to go home. Sean doesn’t need a lesson on kissing. At least that’s what the previews are showing.
Then we had some videographies of the ladies.
Let’s go over some of the gimmicks: voting, dogs, modeling, exercising, Fifty Shades, cats . . . EEEEERRRRR. (Insert brakes screeching.) Fifty Shades? FIFTY SHADES? Yes. She went there. Yes, I read all three. But the whole world does not need to know that. Nor does it ever need to be my gimmick.
FINALLY (after about fifteen commercials and a lot of fools acting crazy on their videos), the girls met Sean at the Bachelor Pad.
Bring on the limos.
So then we had some more gimmicks: lipstick, secret stupid silly handshake (do you really want to be known as the secret stupid silly handshake girl?), yoga, singing, Fifty Shades AGAIN (kill me now), awkward pause, driving 2775 miles because apparently ABC ran out of money to fly all twenty-five girls to California, pennies for wishing, a football play so that she could “admire the view” (haha), a girl in a WEDDING DRESS (Um – it doesn’t work like that, chick. Almost no bachelor couples get married and, if they do, it’s a separate two hour show so I don’t know what you’re thinking.), and finally, a girl who decided to do a graceful back handspring. Because she used to be in the Olympics. No. Not true. Because she used to be a gymnast. No. Don’t think so. Because she is ten years old and it’s her birthday. That’s not it, either. Well, whatever the reason, she decided to get out of the limo and do two back handsprings to mosey on over to Sean. In an evening gown.
Except she didn’t actually do a back handspring. Instead, she landed on her head. In front of Sean. In a dress. On her head. And then she basically just fell over.
Yes, I had to rewind it three times to make sure that it really happened. And because I was doubled over laughing so hard that I missed the falling-over part the first two times.
Then we met Tierra – she got a rose before anything else even happened. All of the girls weren’t even out of the limos yet. He just liked her energy and magnetic personality. Well, now, let’s face it: Tierra is practically my twin. Except that my twin is Kerry and married with three children, but you get my drift. (If you didn’t, my drift is energy and magnetic personality.)
And then BAM! Kacie B. showed up.
I love myself some Kacie B. We could be friends. For real. As a matter of fact, I think we are. In my head, at least. Which I did not fall on while doing a back handspring in a dress.
Of course, the other girls want to KILL HER. They were all, “Waaa, it’s not fair, you had your chance with Hair-Gone-Wrong-Ben, I’m so sad, you’re so cute, this isn’t fair, waaaaa!”
Then Desiree got a rose. But wait. Tierra got a rose earlier. How can there be TWO first impression roses?
The house went cuh-razy. They had to completely dissect the rose situation. Was the first rose FIRST? Or was it just the FIRST ROSE? Were there rules? Can Sean do whatever he wants? REALLY? Can the bachelor have control? Oh, wait. Maybe only girls in RED DRESSES got roses? No. She was wearing black. The roses are for brunettes only. Nope, that’s not it either. A blonde just got one. What in the Sam Heck is going on? At this point, some of the girls would have settled for a freaking carnation, the way they were carrying on. Or a dandelion. (which is just a weed)
Is it dumb for me to point out that it’s just a rose?? I mean, I can see all this carrying on for a clipart gift certificate, but a rose? A rose?
Then Fifty Shades girl came back onto the scene. She was . . . she had . . . well, she needed some water and coffee. And a bed. Instead, she acted like a fool. A FOOL.
Then there was a lot of Sean-Stealing because everyone wanted time with him. One on one time, to be more specific.
Sarah, the girl born with one arm, seemed super sweet and down to earth. In other words, NORMAL.
Despite all of the first-rose-freaking-out-drama, there was indeed an actual rose ceremony. Paige from The Bachelor Pad was sent home and she needs therapy quick because she thinks she fails at this. THIS being the Bachelor Franchise reality TV show. So, yeah. Therapy is definitely in order for that girl.
Fifty Shades Girl – well, she’s going home to Detroit and has a tie for some lucky guy. And I can’t talk about all the stuff she did there at the end because THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL TEACHING BLOG, DON’T YOU KNOW?!
And that’s about it. Some girls received roses and others didn’t. I didn’t pay close enough attention to that part because, at this point, I don’t really know anyone except for Kacie B. and once she got her rose, I was all good.
The previews look fantastic! A firetruck and a stretcher??? YES, PLEASE! Also, some chick screams, “I hope they’re happy now” as she’s crying hysterically. Best line ever.
I cannot wait. How about you?