Let me start by saying I had bible study on the Season Finale night of the Bachelor. Can we all just agree that I most likely earned an extra jewel in my crown for not skipping out on it with the excuse that I still have a sore throat? Because I wanted to . . . but I didn’t.
And then, while there, my phone kept buzzing because I kept getting tagged in Facebook posts about The Bachelor . . . And I got a text from Hadar telling me not to look at Facebook until I watched The Bachelor . . .
I was basically dying! And learning all about the bible, as well. Of course. I mean, that was the point.
When I got home, I watched the whole show and stayed up way too late, especially with the time change, and then I got up early and watched After the Final Rose.
This is all for you, people. Not me and my curiosity. Nope. It’s all for you. I blame you for my lack of teaching skills today. Just saying.
I took notes. And you can just read how the episode unfolded for me.
It started with Juan Pablo’s family in St. Lucia and Clare was the first one to meet them.
Now . . . while we were watching the episode, we also got to watch the studio audience watch the episode.
What? Why? What was this?
I didn’t need that. Did you?
Or, on second hand, how do I get in that studio audience to show my reactions? Huh? What must one do?
Clare was a little awkward with Camilla, but very real with Juan Pablo’s mom and cousin. Mom said Juan Pablo was very hyperactive and rude. Cousin said Juan Pablo might run and could Clare hang onto him?
And Clare said yes to both which left me completely dumbfounded. Yes, he is rude. Yes, I can hang onto him. Because that makes sense.
Dad was the sweetest thing ever. I love these Bachelor dads. These dads are making every season of the Bachelor fun for me, and I see a spin-off for the future and it could be a huge hit and ABC needs to contact me for a brainstorming session.
His family loved Clare. Loved her.
So that went well. If you count the fact that his family doesn’t really like him.
Nikki was up next. She had already met some of his family at Camilla’s dance recital in Miami if you recall. I recall. I wrote about it.
But Dad (again, absolutely loved him) told Nikki that Juan Pablo was difficult. That everything had to go Juan Pablo’s way.
Hmmm. Red flag! ABORT!
But Dad just loved Nikki and kissed her on the cheek in the middle of their conversation. Now we know where Juan Pablo gets it.
Mom told Nikki that Juan Pablo is a simple guy – think TV, couch, bed, sports, TV . . . but that he’s not easy.
What in the world?
Then cousin told Nikki that when things get rough, Juan Pablo will walk away . . .
Red flag! Waving wildly! ABORT! ABORT NOW!
But no. Nikki smiled and nodded. Juan Pablo’s family may not like him, but Nikki does.
His family welcomed her warmly and now it’s a toss up between Clare and Nikki of which one he should choose. Of course. Every time. It’s always a toss up.
Next, we had to listen to the studio audience’s reactions.
Again — how do I get in this studio audience with a microphone in front of my face?
They had some bachelor alums . . . Sean and Catherine were there again. Do they not work? How do they have time to be doing this? Or is this their job?
Juan Pablo and Clare have one more date together. They take a helicopter (which I’m okay with because I can’t remember the last time I saw one and this whole season has been more about boats for whatever reason) around St. Lucia.
And then . . . DUN DUN DUN!
Clare said when they landed, there weren’t any cameras or microphones or anything and Juan Pablo leaned to whisper something to her . . . and it wasn’t romantic. Or nice. Or anything that a woman would want to hear. And he also said, “I don’t know! I don’t know you!” instead of “…’S ok!”
Apparently, the first part of what he said was sexual and offensive and not to be repeated.
Clare wanted us to know that she did not go on the Bachelor for a hook-up. She may have gone into a warm ocean for one, but she did not go on the show for a hook up. And, from reading between the lines, she did go into the Fantasy Suite for a hook up, but not on the show for one.
Are we clear? I think I’m clear. I’m not sure Juan Pablo is clear. It seems as if he got he wanted. Ahem.
Once again, Juan Pablo started saying, “I’m just being honest.”
And, “I could lie to you, but I’m not going to.”
And, “There are things I like about you. And some things I don’t.”
To which Clare replied, “There’s things you don’t like about me?” because she was incredulous, as was her right seeing as how she has played Miss Perfect throughout their entire six-week romance and they know each other so well, of course, but Juan Pablo was just being defensive which is a trait of his I don’t particularly like. Stop being defensive. Just say, “I’m a stupid man. I have doing it on the brain. I’m so sorry. ‘S ok. Forgive me. Kiss kiss.” But nope. Juan Pablo gets defensive.
When Clare was talking, Juan Pablo looked as if he wanted to bolt or fall asleep or kill her. He was done talking. He wanted to get to the good stuff, obviously.
But he talked a little more, and just basically looked like a real jerk. And he talked quietly which really annoyed me. Speak up. What are you saying? I don’t understand. This ‘S not okay.
Whatever he said (which was nothing!!), he made her feel better. And she was happy because she figured out that they had more than a physical attraction.
If you say so.
And she did.
Next up was Nikki.
She was hoping that he would choose that time to tell her how he felt about her, and tell her he loved her, and that they could discuss their future together.
Nikki! That doesn’t happen. You don’t get to know until the Final Rose Ceremony and he either kicks you to the curb or proposes. That’s just the way it is.
She should have asked me. I could have told her.
They went on a boat, they swam, they hung out on the beach.
He did not profess his love for her.
Then they went to her hotel room. She gave him a framed picture and a heartfelt card. He read it. She signed it, “I love you, Nikki”.
He thanked her. He kissed her on the forehead.
And that was all.
No words. Not even ‘S ok. Just thanks. Kiss on the forehead. Bye bye.
She walked him out and then she cried. Quietly.
The next morning, Claire said this was her perfect version of a fairy tale.
I think she just forgot the offensive comment, that he happened to be dating umpteen other girls, and the fact that his family doesn’t really like him.
It started to dawn on me as I watched a boat come to shore that we didn’t get to see the whole, “Bachelor Looking For an Engagement Ring on ABC’s Dime”.
Claire was first. She had on a TON of make-up. She didn’t look like herself.
And then she started talking FIRST. Which I don’t get because SHUT UP, you don’t even know if you’re the one! It was almost as if she was going to propose to Juan Pablo.
SHUT UP, CLARE. This is not good.
When Juan Pablo finally started talking, she got it. Loud and clear. If looks could have killed, Juan Pablo would have been six feet under.
He told her he had to say goodbye to her and tried to hug her, but she wouldn’t let him.
And then she read him the RIOT ACT. If you don’t know what that is, the RIOT ACT is read when your husband leaves the toilet seat up at night and you didn’t know because it was dark and you fell in and got your tushy wet. Clare shook her finger at Juan Pablo and her final words were, “What you just put me through — I would never want my children to have a father like that.”
Whoa. Ouch. Geez. Oh man. ‘S not okay.
(Because Camilla does have him for a father.)
And when she was out of earshot, Juan Pablo said, “Phew. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
Oh no he didn’t. But he did. He probably should have just stayed quiet . . . but I guess it is good he didn’t pick her.
Clare felt completely lied to and strung along . . . Juan Pablo didn’t have to say he could see himself in Sacramento, he didn’t have to say how much his family liked her, he didn’t have to say all that he said if he was ready to let her go . . .
All good points.
Except it’s The Bachelor and there are always two girls in the final. There just is. We live for this, Clare. Surely you know that.
So then it was Nikki’s turn.
And she talked first, too! Were they told to do this? To humiliate themselves?
It was so weird! And she told him she loved him and he thanked her again!!!!
And then he said all of this stuff about honesty (frankly, I’m a little sick of the honesty, Juan Pablo, and now I’d actually prefer it if you’d lie to me) blah blah blah . . . and he basically said I don’t want to propose, but I don’t want to let you go.
Which I actually respect and wish this show was more about that . . . but really?? Nikki just told him she loved him and he just thanked her??
That’s a little lopsided for my liking.
And then I went to bed.
I don’t have notes on the After the Final Rose because I was on the treadmill. (Despite all my walking, swimsuits are still too little.)
Some highlights from the After Show:
Clare has moved on. She would not repeat what Juan Pablo said in the helicopter, much to my dismay. TELL ME WHAT HE SAID, CLARE!
She did not want to sit with him on the couch so she didn’t.
Juan Pablo has no regrets. He doesn’t like it when Chris Harrison interrupts him. He was kind of rude. Juan Pablo, not Chris. Chris was hilarious!
Nikki came out and confessed that Juan Pablo hasn’t told her he loves her. But she loves him. And he shows her his love in different ways.
So she says I Love You and he says thanks and watches TV. Or she says I Love You and he says thanks and kicks a soccer ball. Who knows? It’s private.
That’s what Juan Pablo kept saying. It’s private.
I get it. I do.
Except that you agreed to be on a show TWO TIMES that is TELEVISED and NOTHING is private and IT IS ALL GOING TO BE ALL OVER THE TABLOIDS.
I mean, really.
But whatever. Nikki seemed happy. I guess. I mean, to each their own. If Nikki is happy sitting next to a man who will not say I Love You on a couch, or on a stage, or in a boat, he cannot, will not in a tree, or at the beach, or in a coat, then fine. Hooray for Nikki.
Who am I to say it’s probably not going to last and I don’t know what happened to Juan Pablo because I used to really like him and now I sort of think he is just more of a player?
I’m no one.
I’m certainly not Andi, the next Bachelorette which I predicted! Well, sort of. I heard about it and then I told you and then it came true.
I’m just a tad bit confused. I like Andi. I do. But was she a FAN FAVORITE? Was she?
And it was very clear that Kat wanted to be the next Bachelorette. It was written all over her face while she sat in the studio audience.
But oh well.
The next season starts May 19 and you’ll be happy to know my bible study will most likely start meeting on Wednesdays now and I didn’t push that hard for it or make cupcakes or give people money, either.
It was just a suggestion.
Okay. I’m dying to know YOUR thoughts.
Do you still like Juan Pablo? (I have no idea who the guy is!)
Are you okay with no proposal? (Yes)
Did you think it was awkward that he wouldn’t say he loved Nikki? (Yes)
Did you think Chris Harrison pushed the issue too much? (No. I love Chris. Chris for President!)
Are you happy Andi is the next Bachelorette? (I don’t know!)
Is there anything else you would like to add?