Before I begin, can I just say that while watching the Real Housewives of New York City, my picture kept going out??? I could hear what was happening, but not see it? I’m telling you, that must have been the number one most stressful thing to happen to me all summer. My word. It was agonizing.
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Arie gets the first one-on-one. Did anyone notice how oily his skin was? What was up with that? I was also not a fan of the elbow patches. I’ll give it to him, though, considering he did not wear the girly tank that Ryan wore last week.
That whole one-on-one date sequence was hilarious to me. Chris Harrison was popping in and out to give us the low down in the “interest of full disclosure”. I loved it. We got to watch Emily discuss with Kassie, aka Arie’s “romantic fling” from years and years ago, how dumb she feels. And Kassie told her over and over that this whole sequence-and meeting Arie-and bringing it up right now was not a “thing”. It was not a thing! But last week when Emily asked for another rose — now THAT WAS a thing. But this? No. They would never do that for ratings. It’s The Bachelorette, for heaven’s sake!
All was well. Arie was forgiven. But that whole forgiving sequence was not video taped. Drat. I mean, really. Come on. Give a girl a bone! I use that expression because don’t you remember that Emily and Arie rubbed the dog for loyalty??? It made perfect sense to me. I rub my dog all the time and I’m the most loyal person I know.
Then we have fireworks. And kissing. You know. A typical night for me. How about you?
John Wolf got the next one-on-one. He told Emily he was cheated on. He couldn’t find his girlfriend for days. He was so worried that he called hospitals and prisons. PRISONS? What type of girlfriend was she? I think most people call friends and family . . . and maybe the occasional See’s Candy Shop . . .
After their date, we found out that Chris was upset. Like, a lot. He was going to explode. You could see the steam coming out of his ears. Maybe he’s really the wolf!
Meanwhile, Sean started searching for Emily and running around Prague. Then he found her. Cue music.
Sean wasn’t supposed to get a one-on-one, but then he got one because he chose to find her. Emily loved it.
Onto the Group Date.
Let’s be clear. Doug would rather be on a date with his eleven and a half year old son than Emily. And, people, that half year is huge. Austin is eleven AND A HALF and don’t you forget it!
Doug was weird. He didn’t want to touch her. Emily noticed his body language right away. When she FINALLY hinted at the fact that he was going home RIGHT THEN AND THERE, he interrupted her with a kiss. She thanked him — I mean, she is a southern belle from the back-woods-hood-rat section of West Virginia.
Well, it was too little, too late.
Awkward. Yeah. Uh huh. “Yeah,” Doug said a million times. He was blind sided. And then he cried in the van. It wasn’t pretty. It was awkward like I-was-at-a-public-pool-with-a-bunch-of-people-and-my-bathing-suit-had-inched-up-where-the sun-doesn’t-shine-and-I need-to-get-it-out awkward. I was squirming. It was that bad.
The group date became a two-on-one after that. Sean was relaxed. Cool. But, Chris was all wound up. So Sean got the rose. Chris was all kinds of upset. Was this his age coming through????????
Jef was the last one to get a one-on-one. They did a fun puppets thing. It was cute. I liked it. Call me crazy.
He professed his love for her in puppet language (of which I’m familiar and fluent) and asked if they could get a dog. It was actually quite cute. Until Emily said they could get a cat instead.
Rose ceremony—Chris was freaking out. He knew he behaved badly. He was on the verge of tears. I could feel it. Plus, one tear may have splashed on me. And he needed the chance to talk to Emily. He was COUNTING on it.
BUT THEN! DUN DUN DUN! Emily told Chris Harrison no cocktails!!!!
Chris started crying. Waa. Waa. Waa.
After Emily gave roses to Jef and Arie, Chris made a last ditch effort and asked to speak to Emily, all while he had a coronary right in front of her.
All the other guys exclaimed that this was “intense”. That’s guy drama for you.
After much silence, and ominous piano music, and Emily’s confused looks, she finally gave the rose to
Kiss *ss Chris. Did he change her mind? Was this her plan the whole time? Will we never know? To quote the guys, it was too intense for me!
Chris was over the moon happy. Thrilled happy. Dancing around happy. I think he will be happy for a maximum of one week. And then Emily will cut him.
The scary piano music went on for awhile. Anyone else notice that?
John Wolf was shocked. No tears, though. Although, when I went to bed, I thought I heard some howling.
Next week, Emily appears to be losing it. She has definitely held herself in check up until this point so I give her some props.
In the meantime, I’m off to the periodontist to see a guy about a root situation. And I’m not happy about it. AT ALL. It’s just a consultation, but STILL. Either way you look at it, I have to get dressed. And go somewhere besides lunch with a friend.
Look away – I may start to cry like Doug.