This just might have been THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE EVER.
So we started with Chris Harrison in the studio audience of which I was not a part of. Excuse me. It wasn’t for lack of trying. He said a little of this and a little of that and then we finally got on with it.
Nick got to meet Andi’s family first. And he bombed. Terribly. At least in the beginning. He was a nervous wreck. He could not get out of his own way.
He wasn’t even affectionate or, as Andi’s mom said, very demonstrative.
But when he sat down with Andi’s mom, he sort of improved a bit. Nick told Andi’s mom how much he loved her and all about this connection that they have and that she is it for him.
Andi’s mom teared up a bit. She pretty much ate it all up with a spoon.
Then Nick met with Andi’s dad. Hy. I just love Hy. Hi, I’m Hy. And hello there, you’re Nick with the crazy eyes and the sweaty forehead.
Nick basically asked for his blessing on a proposal and Hy said yes. Hy thought Nick was straight forward and honest and a good match.
Oh, Hy. Hy, Hy, Hy, GOODBYE.
Then Andi and Nick did a lot of loud kissing and Andi tried to be all come hither to me and we are so passionate and we are on TV so let’s make this look ooh la la sexy and it made me want to throw up.
Except I was having a little snack so I didn’t.
Then Nick’s turn was over. Just like that.
Next was Josh’s turn.
Josh was all set and ready to make a great impression, but Hy totally had his number. Hy said Josh didn’t have a chance . . . that he was way too nervous and sweating and talking too much.
Poor Josh. He was nervous. But he was affectionate with Andi in front of her parents.
Andi kept telling everyone in her family how she thought of Josh as a player so his family was sort of distrustful of him which made me mad at Andi. I mean, come on, Andi.
Then Josh sat down with Andi’s sister and the sister’s quiet-as-a-mouse-husband-who-didn’t-say-one-word-but-listened-very-carefully-while-they-held-hands and Josh won them over. Sister felt that Josh was very genuine.
I mean, if you ask me, his smile is genuine so I imagine everything else is, as well.
Then it was Hy’s turn. Hy again.
Hy made a good point by saying you’ve followed your dream and played baseball, then went back to college, now you’ve started a career so it sounds like you’re ready to settle down . . . Josh said he’s been ready for quite awhile.
Hy and Josh had a very serious conversation. Josh kept saying how much he loved Andi and how ready he was and how he wanted to make Andi his wife. And then he asked for Hy’s blessing and Hy gave it to him.
At the end, Hy said he had no concerns whatsoever about Josh and that he could see him as his son-in-law.
Hi again Hy. HI HI HI!
Josh and Andi made some loud kissing noises, too, but it was okay because I just imagined that it was
Josh my hubby and me so it didn’t bother me at all.
And then the Meet the Parents segment was over. It felt like Speed Dating or something. No joke.
Josh got the first date of the Last Dates. She took him on a yacht. I think what I like most about Josh is that he doesn’t say stupid cheesy things. For example, instead of Our love is like the yacht on the water, sailing over the waves of ups and downs and swirls of white foam, he says, I love her and I want to marry her and let’s get on with it already.
Andi kept thinking that it’s too good to be true. But Josh kept reassuring her and saying nothing could change his feelings . . . that the love he feels for her will last forever even past the puppy love phase.
And then he presented her with a baseball card of her very own (he designed it and everything) with all of these stats about her and him and all this stuff which was adorable. It captured their relationship — the romance, the humor, fun facts, etc. He even wrote “Husband Josh Has Never Missed A Day Saying He Loves Her.”
HOLY CRAP I FELL DOWN IN A DEAD FAINT AND WHEN I CAME TO, I WENT TO TELL THE HUBBY TO MAKE ME MY OWN BASEBALL CARD AND HE SAID NO SO WE COMPROMISED AND I AM DESIGNING IT AND THEN HE IS GOING TO PRESENT IT TO ME.
Josh had me at baseball.
Then it was Nick’s turn.
They went off-roading in a jeep. Which meant their heads bounced around a lot. And I could be completely wrong, and feel free to tell me, but didn’t Andi and Juan Pablo go off-roading?
They drove to a secret lagoon. And for whatever reason, Andi thinks Nick makes her feel sexy.
I do not get it.
Does she need to see Nick and Josh side by side, perhaps?
Do you get it? Because I do not.
Then Nick said, and I quote,
“She needs to find a way to let me know if she can spend the rest of her life with me. If I don’t know it’s me, we are not getting engaged.”
Oh. Well. Isn’t he special?
And then he mentioned Josh. Not to Andi, but to the camera. And I’d like to just mention here that Josh never once mentioned Nick. I don’t think Josh cares one iota about Nick, or cares one anything about Nick, or even thinks about Nick.
So Nick thinking about Josh???
Nick should only be thinking of Andi.
Then he basically told Andi he didn’t want to be wondering about it . . . and Andi told him to turn off his brain (yes, he needs to turn off his brain and his mouth, stop talking already!) and he followed up with keeping his fist in front of his face and mumbling answers to her.
He is just so annoying to me.
But then she told him, “It will be alright.”
And then he said, “I feel confident it’s us.” And she said, “You should be.”
So now Nick felt like it was a slam dunk and he’s the one and he can’t wait to go grocery shopping with her. He gave her a necklace with sand in it. I think the sand was significant, but by that time, I was over him. Let’s just say this. I did not faint nor ask the hubby for a vial of sand.
Sand is messy.
Again, Nick compared himself to Josh by saying he can’t believe that she could have any other connection as close as theirs with someone else.
Which leads me to believe that Nick is in a competition and Josh just loves her.
The morning of “The Proposal” Andi walked out of her room in a short little nightie and robe.
Gimme a break. Where are your pajama bottoms and sweatshirt? Get real. Seriously? Who wears a nightie like that? And on TV? Besides Eva Mendez on Desperate Housewives?
While Andi was gallivanting around in her nightie on the grassy lawn slope of her Dominican Republic compound, the boys were picking out rings with Neil Lane.
Josh picked out an amazing one that probably cost one million dollars that he does not have to pay for.
And then Andi knocked on Nick’s door. But it was edited in such a way that we thought Nick would be opening the door to Neil Lane.
IT WAS GREAT GASPING DRAMA. As in, GASP! SHOCK! WHAT? Andi is at Nick’s door and it’s not Neil Lane?
Chris Harrison had to interrupt the whole show at that point to poll some former bachelors and bachelorettes in the studio audience and get their take on it . . . Farmer Chris was just adorable and I am still waiting for someone to announce him as the New Bachelor.
COME ON ALREADY.
And then one of the former bachelorettes stood up and said, “When are we going to find out who the new bachelor is?” It was like she READ MY MIND. And the studio audience chanted Chris Chris Chris and he turned bright red . . . But Chris Harrison wouldn’t give it up. Although he put his hand on Farmer Chris’s shoulder and if we all use our context clues, I think it’s safe to say that it’s Farmer Chris.
But it was never said. I am using context clues. And I am inferencing.
After the commercial break, we returned to Andi visiting Nick in his room.
And Andi told him she woke up and didn’t feel that something was right. And she said she couldn’t go through with it.
And you know what was kind of funny? She didn’t cry too much at the beginning of their conversation. And she held it together pretty good considering she pretty much sobbed when she said goodbye to Marcus and Chris.
And then she talked about how everything was too deep between them and they had to analyze everything all of the time and she just wanted to have fun and relax . . . and she can’t picture a whole life of analyzing every.single.thing.
PREACH IT, SISTER!
So then Nick got mad, of course, and tried to blame her little nuances or looks or words on his perceived confidence and he wishes that she hadn’t said or done certain things and she JUST TOOK IT TOO FAR.
AND THEN. He wanted to know if it was because of them or if it was because of someone else.
There he goes again.
And she wouldn’t really answer him, so there. SO THERE.
They did not really have a nice, soft goodbye. Not like with Farmer Chris.
I appreciate the fact that she didn’t have him go through with the whole limo, walking down to the edge of the shore, starting to get down on one knee, etc . . .
It rained, which was fitting, and Andi rode back in a car while Nick got busy throwing away all of his roses and pouting. And I do feel bad for him because he got his heart broken, but he sat in the car with his mouth open for about seventeen miles. Close your mouth. You can be shocked without your mouth open. Really.
I am shocked all of the time but I still manage to close my mouth unless I am talking or eating or drinking.
Nick was dumbfounded that she had feelings for Josh. And he kept saying, I was so confident. I just was, what is she doing, we had something, I thought this was it, this is hard to swallow . . .
In other words, he was analyzing absolutely everything which was her point.
Back to the studio audience . . . Chris Harrison informed us that Nick has been repeatedly trying to get in touch with Andi and sit down with her and Andi has refused.
GOOD FOR HER. What else can be said? I am sure he just wants to get out his spreadsheets and notebooks and pens and paper and ANALYZE everything again.
FINALLY, we got to the END.
JOSH AND ANDI!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!! People!!!
Josh was sort of emotional which was really cute because we haven’t really seen that side of him.
(As a side note, I was not a fan of Andi’s hair . . . I don’t know. I am sure it is the new thing and I am an old stick in the mud who doesn’t know what looks good, but I’m just saying.)
Josh said all this sweet stuff to her . . . I kind of got emotional. I mean, people, he went ON AND ON. He did not skip to the end or rush it or talk fast either. He said all of the stuff that we all want to hear.
And then Andi said some stuff that made me wonder if she was going to leave him, too, but then she said she loved him and wanted to marry him and wanted to have his baby so Josh said her full name and asked her to marry him.
Andi Jeannette Dorfman. How cute is that? Like, really? How cute is that? He knows her middle name.
It was a really sweet proposal.
Josh was all sweaty. The poor guy. Just take your shirt off. You’ll feel better.
They are going to make cute babies.
After the proposal, they were so cute. I mean, they were sick in love and lovey dovey and gross, the kind you would like to hate people for, but I just can’t hate them. Because they really seemed to be in love. I can’t explain it.
They just seem to go together.
I don’t know. I’m just happy because she picked my guy. This doesn’t happen all that much for me.
Anywho, then they had to let us know what’s going on with Nick. And he is not doing well and he is not over her. They filmed him in a coffee shop and then again looking deeply into the water . . . he just can’t let it go and he tried to see her before the finale.
He wanted to tell her that Josh was not the right guy for her, that she was playing it safe, that she should think about who she picked.
SHUT UP, NICK.
It’s called a break up. She broke up with you and it’s over.
Now we obviously know who the mysterious letter was from. Nick was hoping the letter would be the start of something new and he thought things could change after the letter.
Was he hoping for a Molly, Melissa, Jason Situation? I think not, ye creepy one.
So fast forward to After the Final Rose, and Nick was the first one in the hot seat. (PS I thought Nick better watch out or Josh might decide to pop him one.) Nick rehashed and reanalyzed the last day in the Dominican Republic. Over and over again.
Nick got choked up and said that he spent a lot of time with Josh and he thinks he’s a great guy with a huge heart and will not take Andi’s love for granted. So that was nice. So maybe Josh wouldn’t pop him one and that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Then Andi came out.
I just live for this stuff.
Nick tried to talk to her but it took him forever . . . there were a lot of pauses and silences . . . He loved her, he thought she loved him, he felt things, he thought she felt things, and when he watches the show back, the fact that they’re broken up does not make sense to him.
She said she had a great relationship with him, but she didn’t love him, wasn’t in love with him, and never said she was. And then she said she had a greater relationship with someone else. It had nothing to do with Nick. She just loves Josh.
And there you have it. That’s what I’ve said from the beginning of this stupid show when it was Alex and Trista and Amanda. THAT LONG.
But oh no . . . Nick couldn’t accept that. Nope.
Here’s what he said next. Prepare yourselves.
Seriously. Prepare yourselves. Sit down. If you’re sitting down, stand up, then sit down again properly.
He said (AND IT WAS HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD), “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you made love with me.”
HOLY CRAPPPPPPP. Has this ever been said? EVER?
Andi said, “That’s kinda below the belt and it’s private and should be kept private . . . but those things were real. The way I looked at you and the things I said to you were real. Your take might have been different.”
And then he said, “I’m not trying to hit you below the belt . . . “
Andi said, “You already have.”
Okay. I was dying because I seriously thought they just got in their pjs on those nights and stayed up talking and had a slumber party. But my hubby said I’m naive. And now I am a little disgusted.
And poor Josh. I was hoping he would pop him! TWICE!
And Andi? Well . . . oh well.
So she kind of laid into Nick a little. I think it boils down to Nick doesn’t make love with girls all that often and it meant a lot to him and he doesn’t see how she could have done that if it didn’t mean the same to her. Maybe he was calling her a tramp? I don’t know.
Josh came out next and they were so happy. Because they both live in Atlanta (as in five minutes apart), they have been sneaking over to each other’s houses and trying to see each other every day.
They have a cute banter-back-and-forth-thing going that just seems normal and natural. Josh rubs her shoulders and her arms a lot. I don’t know what that’s about, but I’m willing to give it a go. 😉
Josh wants to have a wedding sooner than later and when Chris Harrison cleared up the pregnancy rumor (Andi is not pregnant), Josh said, “I’m TRYING” which was hilarious. Although probably not appropriate for my naive ears.
Then they made fun of Andi’s frown and brought out the famous Grumpy Cat. Which was so funny. And then Chris Harrison asked Andi to frown and say staaaahhppp and she was very obliging and did it. I liked that she could make fun of herself.
They never announced the next bachelor unless I missed it, but I am almost one hundred percent positive that it’s Farmer Chris.
And that was that.
Next week we’ve got Bachelor in Paradise, but I am making an executive decision and not keeping up with that series on the Talk About It Tuesday circuit because I start school and I really just want to sit back and enjoy the show with the rest of you. I have never posted about that show so I am thinking you all will be okay with that and not hate me forever.
I said, RIGHT?