Well, this is it.
It has come to an end.
Last night was FINALE NIGHT!!
The episode opened up with Chris back in Iowa, walking across snowy land apparently going . . . absolutely nowhere. It’s not like he was walking to a Starbucks. Or an Albertson’s. Or an Olive Garden. Or to an actual person. But he did look introspective and I’m sure that’s what the camera wanted to capture.
Whitney was the first to visit his family. Whitney was all in, telling Chris how much she loved him and kissing all over him. She walked into his parents’ house and BAM! She just started talking and laughing and greeting and meeting and socializing and Hello, you might not know it yet, but I’m your new daughter-in-law, and I’m your new sister-in-law, and I love him, and I’m going to get choked up during a toast and make you fall in love with me whether you want to or not.
And that’s pretty much what happened.
His dad was teary-eyed during her toast.
His sisters fell in love with her and said they would miss her when she left.
When Whitney sat down with Chris’s mom, she pulled on her heart strings by telling her the sad story of losing her mom ten years ago which made Chris’s mom want to pick her up and rock her back and forth like a baby.
I mean, Whitney nailed it. It could not have gone any better.
Whitney is very well spoken. Just saying. I’m thinking she needs a blog.
So then Chris talked to his dad and his brothers-in-law and it was edited in such a way that he knew Whitney was the better choice, but that Becca was more of a mystery and the girl that he couldn’t get, so, of course, Chris wanted Becca. Of course.
You can’t act like you like a guy and expect him to like you back, Whitney. Hello? This is from the Junior High Love Handbook, Rule #37.
You cannot act like you like a guy if you like a guy.
It is precisely the reason I play hard to get with Steve every single night by watching reality TV in bed while he watches the History Channel on the couch!
Anywho, Becca was next and she was sweet and talkative, but not as aggressive in the I will make you fall in love with me way that Whitney was.
Becca was honest with his sisters and told them that she was falling in love with him, but that she wasn’t there yet. She admitted that she wouldn’t move to Arlington until she knew for sure that they would get married and that they would most likely have a long distance relationship initially.
Which meant ABC played very sad, haunting music in the background to show how serious this was.
It was so super serious.
When Becca and Chris’s mom sat down, they had a serious heart to heart and Chris’s mom told Becca to put her heart on the line. She told her to take a chance and that it was up to Becca how it was going to unfold. Becca cried.
Oh, Becca. You can kind of tell that Becca hasn’t been in love before because SHE WAS A GIGANTIC MESS.
The basic summary of the whole first hour is THIS, from Chris’s dad:
Thank you, Gary.
I think we have a new Papa Jay (Sean Lowe’s dad) on our hands.
Seriously, though. I couldn’t have said it any better than that. Maybe Gary needs a blog.
Let’s reverse it, though. Let’s say Becca was the sure thing. Who thinks Whitney would be who Chris wants? Raise your hand!
In a weird state of events, Chris went to visit Becca at a hotel in Dubuque, Iowa for their last night before the last rose ceremony. Which, to me, is so bizarre because I thought at this point, they would have a one-on-one in an exotic location.
Which makes me wonder if Iowa has more to offer than I had previously thought?
Anywho, Becca and Chris had a big ole conversation and Becca just pretty much told him she couldn’t make any promises about a timeline regarding moving to Arlington.
EXCUSE ME, BECCA. YOU KNEW HE LIVED IN TIMBUKTU. WHAT THE HECK DID YOU GO ON THE SHOW FOR?
Becca talked in circles and said the only thing she knew right now was that she wanted Chris. But as far as the future went, she wasn’t sure. She couldn’t give Chris what he was looking for . . . the poor guy.
Although, honestly, there was a small part of me thinking Chris just wants to take her virginity so I’m not feeling that sorry for him.
But he did cry a little bit so I took a sip of wine while he wiped his nose.
The next day was Whitney’s turn to have some one on one time with Chris on his farm. HIS FARM.
I think if I was either Becca or Whitney, I would be a tad bit upset and wondering where my hotel in Bora Bora was. And where was the boat that we would jump off of into clear blue water? And where was the private island? Huh? HUH? Thanks a lot, ABC.
Whitney and Chris harvested corn.
Which is almost exactly the same thing as a resort on the beach in a tropical paradise.
Whitney asked all the right questions (which meant she asked about the corn, and the plucking or the shucking or the what-not, and the this and the that, and who really cares, but that’s what you do when you’re in love, and it’s only later that you pretend to listen while you look up outfits on Pinterest) and she made Chris happy.
Later that night, back at Whitney’s hotel, they kissed and talked, and talked and kissed . . . and Whitney just pretty much took her heart out of her chest and gave it to him on a silver platter.
Next, Chris looked at rings and he was still as confused as ever. He did not want to make a mistake.
The final rose ceremony was held in a barn that had a lot of meaning for Chris and was made to look like it could have come off the pages of a Pottery Barn episode.
I’m not kidding. It was not a barn in the normal sense of the word. It was amazing. It was a Pottery Barn barn.
It made me think I could actually live on a farm.
And milk cows at 5am.
And you know I’m not doing anything at 5am, so that’s saying something.
The first girl out of the limo was Becca.
Chris said a bunch of nice, wonderful things, and then he let her down easy. AND BECCA SMILED. She thanked him. She said she understood his decision and couldn’t respect him any more than she already did.
It was very grown up, let me tell you.
It was all so easy and mature and not at all how these things usually go.
Whitney was next. She was a nervous wreck and freezing cold to boot which made her look like a crazy high-strung girl, but it was all okay because CHRIS PROPOSED!
And the music swelled!
And they became engaged in the Pottery Barn BARN.
At this point, it was 10:00pm on a Monday of Lose An Hour Due to Daylight Savings Time or Daylight Lasts Longer Time and I was beginning to fall asleep.
So I wasn’t exactly all there during the After the Final Rose Ceremony.
I have a few take-aways from the third hour, and a few questions, and then I’m hoping you’ll leave me some comments so we can talk about this!
1. Whitney told Harrison that she did not watch the season unless she was on the date. I think that’s impressive. I doubt I could do that, but I think that’s pretty smart.
2. Whitney must have said I have confidence in our relationship 14,782 times.
Okay, we get it. STAAAAAPPPPP already!
3. I love Jimmy Kimmel. And Juan Pablo, the cow.
4. The next bachelorette is . . .
Well, Bachelor Nation and ABC couldn’t decide so there are two.