Can I say I just had the best day ever?
I did. Not because of anything in particular. Just the fact that we rocking and rolling and having fun. My left contact was bugging the you-know-what out of me and so I had to take it out which meant I went around one-eyed for half the day, but other than that, it was a great day.
So. Let’s Talk About It, shall we?
This week, the gang went to New Zealand.
Clare was feeling very out of sorts because her time with Juan Pablo in Vietnam just blew up in her face. She honestly thought she should have gotten the one on one because they could have used that time to patch things up.
I think she is loco. And she didn’t get the one on one.
Cassandra also couldn’t believe that she didn’t get the one-on-one. Because she’s a mother and she is wasting her time and she misses her son and she cried and so Renee patched her up and made her feel better because Renee takes care of everybody. Renee is the mother. Of her son and all of the bachelorettes.
But let’s be real and logical and mathematical.
Out of the remaining eight girls, Andi was the only one who hasn’t had a one on one.
Hello? It was not a shocker or a surprise that Andi got the one on one. Wake up, Clare and Danielle. Wake up!
Keeping with the theme of boats and water, Andi and Juan Pablo got on a speed boat. Once again, neither one wore sunglasses. I am telling you, my contacts would either dry up or pop right out of my eyes. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to ride around that fast in a vehicle without some sort of eye protection. I did not ride around in a boat today – I don’t know why my contact was bothering me. But I’m thinking a little breeze bothered it which is why I’m adamant about eye protection while on a boat. Or in a car. Or outside.
Also, I would need a brush. Whenever I go in a boat, I bring a brush. Otherwise, my hair will be terribly tangled and not at all cute like the movie Tangled. Which I haven’t seen so I don’t even know if it’s about hair but that’s neither here nor there.
When they got out of the boat, we discovered Andi was wearing a solid black one piece bathing suit. What in the world? But it’s true. She wasn’t wearing a bikini. I have no idea why. Does she have a pooch? Is she modest? Does she have body issues? Is this a new fashion statement? Am I missing something?
Okay, upon a closer look, the one piece was extremely low cut in the cleavage area and then extremely high cut on the backside area.
I have come to my own conclusion and I think it was a fashion statement.
And it’s not a statement that I can make.
Here is a statement that I can make:
Juan Pablo and Andi kissed.
They had dinner by a geyser and then the geyser erupted which ruined their dinner. They had to make a run for dry land. I think I would have been a hero and gone back to save the bread.
Juan Pablo gave her the rose.
And then Andi said, “It’s so ironic to be standing next to a geyser. Because our chemistry is bursting as well.”
No, Andi. Just no.
The group date was next.
It just so happened to be Cassandra’s twenty-second birthday. She’s such an old fart.
Their adventure for the day was to get into something called an OGO, which is basically a big rubber ball filled with water. So they all got in their suits (no one-pieces, by the way) and then jumped into the OGO and slid down the hill.
At first, it looked a little scary, as if you would be rolling upside down, but that actually didn’t happen so all of the girls loved it. Even Nikki. Juan Pablo and Nikki made out in the OGO while it was sliding down the hill. I mean, why not? After kissing upside down, you also have to say you kissed in an OGO. Obviously.
They had a little cocktail party later in Hobbit Town. THE Hobbit Town from the Lord of the Rings. In other words, the perfect place for a short person to be made fun of.
Juan Pablo stole Renee and they kissed and kissed. She is falling hard. I like Renee, but she seems too old for him. She’s not. She’s totally age appropriate but, apparently, I am a product of society because I think he needs someone a little younger. And I say this as a woman who is older than her husband. Yep. Just call me a hypocrite because I am.
He spent some alone time with Charleen. And by that, I mean he kissed her and it was super awkward again and she was kind of kissing him, but then she was pulling back, and she was all giggly, and then had to use big words like inorganic and this process and then he just kissed her again to get her to shut up. Thank you, Juan Pablo. America thanks you.
Juan Pablo gave the group date rose to Charleen. He must like the weird way she kisses. Maybe he’s never experienced it before? It’s new and therefore exciting?
Well, sweet Renee wanted the rose. And if she didn’t get it, then she wanted Cassandra to have it because she was “rooting” for Cassandra. See? Renee is great. Just not for Juan Pablo. Call it a hunch.
After giving the rose to Charleen, Juan Pablo pulled Cassandra aside and basically sent her home. I agree with this decision because as much as I think Juan Pablo needs a younger woman, I don’t think he needs a twenty-two year old that is only twenty-two.
He sent her home right then and there because he wanted her to be able to see her son right away.
And then there were seven.
Next up was Clare’s one on one. Oh yes, she got the other one on one. Isn’t she special? (Go back and read that with dripping sarcasm.)
Did you know it was driving me crazy because whenever Clare talked, she reminded me of someone? Well, it was. It was driving me nuts. Absolute bonkers.
And then I figured it out. Her voice totally sounds like Minka Kelly‘s. From Friday Night Lights and Parenthood. Am I right or what? She sounds just like her.
Clare wanted Juan Pablo to apologize for the fiasco last week and for basically making her feel like a fool and an idiot. So he kind of did. He was a typical man and just wanted to smooth things over and move on. But Clare was a typical girl (as in, exactly like me) and didn’t want to move on until she had said everything she needed to say. Whether Juan Pablo wanted to hear it or not.
We are women. Hear us roar.
Clare wanted to know what the boundaries are. What are they allowed to do?
Um. Let’s see here.
Kissing is okay. It’s ABC, after all.
Doing something in the ocean and describing it in such a way that we don’t know what you’re talking about, but we do know what you’re talking about . . . well, Clare Bear, this isn’t MTV. Or even Bravo, for that matter.
Your boundary is ABC. The End.
Juan Pablo and Clare went to have dinner and they talked and talked some more . . . Clare is a talker.
So am I . . . but I know my boundaries so we are not the same.
They changed into sweats (which, by the way, looked like Hammer Time pants on Clare and even though they looked like Hammer Time pants on her, she still looked good which leads me to believe that comfy clothes can still be sexy. Can I get an amen?) and he gave her the rose.
Juan Pablo really really really likes her. A LOT.
At the Cocktail Party, there were four girls without roses and one was in danger of going home.
Nikki was really nervous and had to make sure that Juan Pablo was going to make her safe.
She did a little flirt flirt here, and stroked his ego, and told him she liked him a lot, and so he totally made her feel safe by jumping all over her and making out with her.
I LOVE your recaps! You are the best!!!!
Miss Kindergarten says
bahhaha!!! I'm snorting!!! Do a little jig is right! And I love that you added "mmm"!! 😉
Stacey- Monkeying Around in First says
As always, a perfect recap of the Bachelor that states exactly everything I was thinking while watching it! I think I might look forward to your recaps almost as much as the actual episode of the show!!!
Monkeying Around in First
Lauren Shirk says
I'm cracking up over here!! Perfect recap! Thanks for the laughs!
Traci - Dragonflies in First says
Awwwwww…. the mmmmm -he's kinda bugging me! The curtain needs to close on the opera, IMO.
KeepCalmAnd LoveFirstGrade says
Great recap!!! I agree Traci- I've had enough of her and dare I say Clare?
Love your blog!
Keep Calm and Love First Grade
LOVE your weekly recaps! LOL!
Amber O. says
Is it too early to call the next Bachelorette? With all the drama following little miss Clare-belle around, I'm thinking she is not getting picked by Juan Pabs…but WILL be getting picked by ABC, regardless of the dirty deed in the ocean. If I was a gambling women, I would double-down on Nikki the Nurse as the final choice, and Clare as the next diva for ABC Monday nights. Anyone wanna go to Vegas with me on that???
Lynette Davila says
I don't watch this show but I feel like I do reading about it here.