I’m not gonna lie.
Five Hours of Bachelor Footage is a lot to take in.
But I did it for you.
There was no lead-in or time to even think with this episode . . . it just literally began with Chris and Becca on a one-on-one.
It was definitely a different way to begin the episode. It’s possible I forgot that she got a one-on-one in the last episode, but who knows? This whole season is completely different than the others, as far as the whole set up situation goes. There isn’t any rhyme or reason as far as I can tell.
Anyways, Chris took Becca to the loft he was staying in (although Chris acted like it was his loft, like he owned it, welcome to my loft, do you like my loft, want to go up on my roof and watch my sunset?) and they had a good chat and some noisy kissing. Hello, production crew, please turn down the sound already!
At the hotel, Britt told the girls that she was probably going to pack her bags and leave before the next rose ceremony. This was because of her whole big attitude with Chris on the previous episode when she didn’t get the group date rose and was a big ole baby acting as if she was The Bachelorette and it was her own show. She held back tears (sort of) and Carly had had enough.
Britt is wishy washy (not to be confused with washing with actual soap) and they have all had enough. You want to go? Go!
The other girls were completely annoyed by her so Britt left the room and cried some more as if she were in a daytime soap opera. But, again, without the soap.
Geesh. I could do this all day.
It was pretty much determined that Britt wanted Chris to fight for her, that she wanted to be all dramatic and say she was leaving, she couldn’t introduce him to her family when he didn’t give her a group date rose for heaven’s sake and then Chris would say I love you, you’re the one, let’s get married, the show is over.
But in true ABC fashion, there would be no cocktail party so everything Britt had been planning in her Fantasy World (I wonder if Kelsey and Onion Girl live in the same place) came crashing down.
Chris started to speak, she interrupted him (as per usual), and asked to speak to him for like, two seconds, and he said yes. I wish he would have said no.
No, Britt. No. You tried to manhandle me last night and run the show and it’s not about you, you big baby, so no. No, I said. And stop wearing your eyeliner up to your eyebrows. I get that it looks good sometimes, but you don’t have to do it every single time.
Those are just some of the things I wish Chris would say.
Britt apologized over and over to Chris, but he said he was starting to question things, that he had been told she is a liar and manipulative, etc. She tried to talk her way around it, but Chris said this:
And then he walked her out.
Oopsie, Britt. I don’t think she had that planned in her Fantasy World. Someone forgot to give Chris the script or he threw it away or something. She went outside and cried very loudly with sobbing and eh, eh, eh, eh-ing so loud that the other girls could hear her. I think she was crying that loud so that Chris would come out there to comfort her, but it didn’t happen.
This happened instead:
Buh bye, Britt.
After that, they had the rose ceremony. He called up Whitney, Becca, and Jade. Caitlin already had a rose.
Which meant Carly didn’t get a rose (which is going to make Britt very happy, by the way). There was no great goodbye or anything like that. Just poor Carly in a limo, crying about no one wanting her and what’s wrong with her. I don’t know, Carly, I don’t know.
I could hardly look.
But, at least your hair smells good, and it has multiple functions.
Next up were the Hometown Dates:
Chris traveled to Louisiana to see Becca. And she jumped into his arms and straddled him like he was a horse. Maybe she was reminiscing about their horseback riding date?
Becca’s family was very welcoming to Chris and he felt very comfortable. But Becca’s sister pulled him aside and told him very quickly that Becca is not affectionate or intimate with men and that he should pretty much be concerned.
Then he spoke to Becca’s mom and she said she has never seen Becca hold hands with a guy before and that this is super serious for Becca . . . they don’t want her to get hurt and that Chris needs to be sweet and tender.
Oh, and by the way, Becca is still a virgin and her sister told her that she could go in the Fantasy Suite and order room service and just let Chris know the most exciting part of the evening would be the sugar donut.
YES! This is what I’ve been saying!! ALL ALONG, THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING. The Fantasy Suite doesn’t have to be . . . you know . . . it can be more like a slumber party, rather than, well, you know. And room service? PERFECT. Sugar donut? You betcha.
Becca didn’t want to say goodbye and lucky for her, Chris had planned for them to go to the state fair and ride the ferris wheel together.
The next day (or the next day after that, I’m not really sure) Chris traveled to Chicago to see Whitney. She took him to her place of work where she is a fertility nurse. They both changed into scrubs and they did stuff under a microscope and literally made a baby. Chris was very impressed with her passion and her dedication and all that.
Then Whitney took Chris to the Man Room where men do stuff . . . in the fertility realm of stuff . . . picture a chair and a magazine and a movie and then think about Lysol and Clorox wipes because that’s all I kept thinking (who cleans this room? and can we trust that it’s clean? and I wouldn’t want to step foot in that room!) . . . and she pretty much pranked him because Chris thought he was supposed to do something.
I sure do enjoy pranks. Remember when Sean made it seem as if he still lived at home with his parents when he was on Emily’s season? And I remember this because . . . I need a life.
They went to meet her family and Whitney had to break down her sister, Kimberly, who was pretty much the one who had to give her blessing. But her sister was very tough and not on board . . . which really upset Whitney (obviously). Chris asked her sister for her blessing and sister said Only If Whitney’s The Only One But You Have Three Other Women Right Now So No . . . Yeah, that’d be a BIG FAT NO.
Meanwhile, Whitney didn’t really care and told Chris that she had fallen in love with him and also, let’s have this pricey bottle of wine I got from Napa that I’ve been saving to share with the man I’m going to marry. Yes. Uncork that wine. Let’s all have a glass and cheers to that, right?
Kaitlyn was next. I realize now that I’ve been spelling her name wrong all this time, but I’m over it and I’m not going back to edit all of the previous posts. People spell my name wrong all the time and I survive (although it makes me grumpy at times) so I’m sure Kaitlyn will be fine, especially since she does yoga which makes her all Zen and not grumpy.
Kaitlyn lives in Canada and she took him to a recording studio to write a rap. That had something to do with their connection, but I didn’t catch it or remember it or care that much. I do not see Kaitlyn in the final two . . . but I do like her. I just don’t see her marrying him.
Chris went to meet her family and they’re a lot like Kaitlyn in a very open and very Zen type of way. They didn’t ask hard questions. They just accepted everything. Kaitlyn was the one having a hard time being open. But she had a message put on a billboard that said Kaitlyn Loves Chris (although really, it was Kaitlyn, a picture of a heart, and Chris) but close enough. If it doesn’t work out, she can say I never said I love you. I just put a heart between our names on a billboard. There was no apostrophe s or anything. You got it twisted, man. Peace and love, dude.
Last was Jade. Chris went to Nebraska to see her. She knew she had to tell him that she posed for Playboy . . . and she was a nervous wreck about it. He met her family and everyone was really sweet. But Jade was worried that her family would tell Chris about her Playboy stint before she even had a chance to.
One of her brothers described her as a wild mustang. That was a bit alarming to Chris. Her dad just wanted someone that would let her be her . . . and that he trusted whatever she decided. And then they both had a little cry.
Dads. I just love them.
Jade finally told Chris about posing for Playboy (and he was very quiet and waiting so patiently and just letting her take her time which I thought was sweet) but when she finally told him, he continued to not really say anything. He seemed a little disappointed until she offered to show him some of the photos.
Then he perked right up.
She brought out her laptop and then Chris was giggly and awkward and looking away and then giggly and not sure what to do. He was literally like a ten year old boy. His laugh is so high pitched!
But, ultimately, he told her not to worry, he wouldn’t judge her based on her past, and he made her feel a whole lot better about everything.
And, just like that, Hometown Dates were over and it was time for the next Rose Ceremony.
He gave roses to: Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca.
Jade did not get a rose. Of course, that begs the question is it because she posed for Playboy? Chris said no, that things were moving faster with the other girls and that’s all it was. He told her she had been a gift to him. They were sweet and sad.
Sad and sweet.
Chris cried a little. A very manly cry. I have to say I quite liked it.
Next week, they are heading to Bali.
Okay, there were FIVE HOURS OF FOOTAGE. Leave a comment — what are your thoughts? Who’s your favorite? Why do you think Jade went home? Are you glad Britt and Carly are gone? What’s another function for Carly’s hair?