Talk About It Monday

Oh, you people, you virtual friends of mine, I have a confession.

After learning that The Bachelor was on for three hours (THREE HOURS!), I took the first hour off.  I had to.  For my own sanity.  Sunday was a bit of a hard day and I just needed an hour to myself.

So I poured a glass of wine and watched the first hour without my laptop.  Or a pencil.  Or my memory.

And I just watched.  

And the only thing I have to report to you is that Kelsey is still a whackadoodle, so is Onion Girl, and someone needed to get Andi Dorfman a kleenex.  The poor thing.  She kept wiping her nose with her fingers and then she would push back her hair with the same fingers.  I couldn’t get over it.  CHRIS HARRISON, GET HER A KLEENEX, I kept yelling.  But no one listened to me.

Hour two started off with the Rose Ceremony that didn’t happen last week.  I didn’t even realize that we didn’t have a Rose Ceremony last week, what with all the Two On One Bed in the Badlands Ashley Crying and Sobbing and Kelsey Acting Like an I Know What You Did Last Summer Creepy Creeper.

Megan (the girl that thinks New Mexico has a beach and everyone wears sombreros) pulled Chris aside and asked him if their relationship was going anywhere . . . she didn’t feel it was progressing and Chris was honest and said no, you’re right, maybe you are smarter than you make yourself out to be, it’s time for you to go.  She cried and he seemed choked up, and he said how much he liked her, and how hard this was getting.  The girls thought there might not even be a Rose Ceremony since Megan left . . . but nope.  Harrison tapped on his wine glass (with a knife? a fork?  what does he use?) and informed everyone there would, in fact, be a rose ceremony.

The girls were all aflutter.

And so was Chris.

So guess what?

There was no Rose Ceremony and Chris informed them that they were all going to Iowa so Carly jumped up and ran straight into his arms as if he had said they were going to Italy.  Or France.  Or to the Cheesecake Factory.

Jade got the first one-on-one.  She went to Arlington, Chris’ hometown.  On the ride out there, Jade noticed the corn, the dirt roads, and the wild grass.  It is literally in the middle of nowhere.  Instead of being named Arlington, it should be name In The Middle Of Nowhere With No People.  Chris really needs to take every girl there . . . because these girls need to know if they can live there.  

I would think I could live there because I enjoy a kind of quiet life, but I would need clarification that the Wi/Fi connection was good and solid.  And that I could bring people with me.

Back at the hotel, Britt started to fall apart because Whitney learned that she got the next one on one.  Britt really wanted to see Chris’ hometown – she felt she needed that information and it wasn’t fair that Jade had a leg up on her.  The whole thing was so distressing to Britt that she had to wear the hood of her hoodie on her head in order to hold herself together.  Even though she was inside.  And it wasn’t raining.  And she wasn’t on a skateboard.  And she wasn’t a young boy.

Meanwhile, Jade was shocked at how small the town actually is.  There are no restaurants, no coffee shops, no movie theaters, no nothing.  Jade described it as a ghost town and I’m going to tell you right now it looked like one.  I was waiting for two cowboys to come out onto the street and have a duel.  Or for a director to yell, CUT!  

But then Chris took Jade to a high school football game and there were people there.  Actual real live people that she could interact with.  And then Chris introduced her to his parents (because the whole community comes out to cheer for the team whether or not you have a kid on the football team or in the school or whatever) so she seriously was getting a leg up on the other girls.  It was like she was on a hometown date before the hometown dates.

Exactly like that.

Jade and Chris went through his high school and had some deep conversation.  Jade kept hinting that she was a bad girl, that she had made some mistakes . . . which, by the way, if you didn’t know, she posed for Playboy.  I know!  I KNOW!  I thought she was a Disney Princess!

The next day, Whitney and Chris went to an art gallery in Des Moines and then took a camera to document their love story in the city. It was cute and sweet.  I liked Whitney’s booties. 

In the hotel, Jade told the girls about Arlington and meeting Chris’ parents.  And Britt started crying.  CRYING.  Because she didn’t get to experience it.  The girls all decided to take a road trip to Arlington so that they could see for themselves what it would be like.  Britt wasn’t on board, but the next we knew, she was in the car, yelling and screaming Arlington! so she obviously changed her mind.

They made it to Arlington and were also shocked at how small it was.  It took three hours to get there and then only about two minutes to go through the town.  Everything was closed, including the library and the market, and the Methodist church.  But they met the pastor and Carly had “a moment” when she saw the picture of Jesus in the church because it was the same one as in her grandparents’ house.

In other words, Carly thought it was meant to be.  Or that Jesus was speaking to her.  I’m not really sure.  But whatever floats Carly’s boat is fine with me.

Britt was a little freaked out about how small the town was and, according to Carly, Britt said that she could not see herself living there. But, back at the hotel, Britt told Jade that the sunset changed her mind.  

So we’ve got Jesus and sunsets and bachelorettes and I don’t know what else.

Back on their date, Whitney got to meet three of Chris’ best friends.  She loved them and they loved her.  Then we learned that Whitney’s mother had died and that she never really had a father so she told Chris that when she is dating a man, she is also hoping he has great parents.  It was sweet and sad and adorable all at the same time.  And I kept thinking, well, this girl could move to Arlington.  She needs a family.  And her family won’t make her feel guilty for leaving because she doesn’t have one so there you go.  I think she needs to move there and get a family.

The next day, Jade confided in Carly about her nude modeling.  And Carly’s eyes about popped out of her head with glee.  You posed for Playboy? Carly said.  You were naked? Carly said.

Then it was time for the Group Date.  Carly, Caitlin, and Britt went ice skating with Chris, and they played hockey.  Britt stole Chris for some one on one time (shocking) and told him that they took a rode trip to Arlington.  And (shocking) she told him how much she absolutely loved his town.

Even though she didn’t.

At least not until the sunset told her she did.

Even though she was thinking one of two things (I think).

One) I can get him to move somewhere else.

Two) I could be the next bachelorette.

Then there was a lot of disgusting kissing.

In Carly’s one on one time, she decided to tell Chris that she was protective of him and she proceeded to tell Chris that Britt hated Arlington.  And she said it was a warning.  A heartfelt warning, with tears held back, and a sob caught in her throat.  Chris was crushed.  

Later that evening, Chris asked Britt about the whole Arlington Reaction again . . . and Britt said she would try it and it was positive and that no matter where she was, she wanted to be a mom.  Which made Chris melt so he kissed her and forgot all about what Carly said . . . 

{PS Has anyone noticed how many crop tops Britt wears?  It’s like she’s Scheana from Vanderpump Rules.}

Caitlin had a big ole long talk with Chris about their relationship and her insecurities and blah blah blah.  So Chris gave Caitlin the group date rose so she wouldn’t feel nervous about upcoming hometown dates.  Caitlyn said she felt all soft and crumbling.  She made me want a cookie.

The fact that Caitlyn got the rose and Britt didn’t . . . well, it killed Britt.  Britt did a lot of head bobbing and lip licking and a little staring contest with Chris in a who do you think you are, you are a little man, and I am your girlfriend, and you are cheating on me, and you suck . . . and, as Chris started to explain, Britt told Chris to stop.  Stop, she said.  Like she was in charge and they were the only two people in the room.  

Chris didn’t.  He kept talking.  Then Carly said that she just loved Caitlin and that she was happy for her that she received the rose  . . . and Britt said she got that, she loved Caitlin, too, and she wasn’t really mad, but . . . 

SHE HAD JUST SPENT ALL THAT TIME EARLIER TELLING CHRIS THAT SHE HAD VISITED HIS TOWN AND WAS READY TO MOVE THERE SO WHY DIDN’T SHE GET THE ROSE?

It was really hard for her!  She wants her husband to see her as first.  Not second or third or down the line.  

All of this was said out loud.  In front of Chris.  She acted like a big ole spoiled baby and Chris saw it all.

Does Britt not understand ALL the girls feel the same way?  But you have to play the game?  Does Britt not understand that this is a dating show?

So then Chris got confused . . . and said something like if you don’t want to be here . . . which Britt got all riled up about . . . but Chris said I don’t get the position that you’re trying to put me in and out of respect for Carly and Caitlin, we can’t talk about this.  And this is just another chapter in the journey and I will see you tomorrow.


Carly was thrilled.  Even if she was getting sent home, she felt like she had done the right thing.

Britt felt bad.  She cried.  She was a mess!

And then the show ended.

Again, we ended the show without a rose ceremony.  This appears to be the new thing this season.

It’s on again tonight, though, so I’ll be back tomorrow.

Please leave your thoughts in the comments!