I bring you an update.
This. Just. In.
Only one and a half more days of school.
I know. Don’t hate me because
I’m beautiful I get to sleep in this Friday.
Except I don’t. Because I volunteered to be on the interview panel for our new librarian. And because I partly want to apply for the position. And because I have high expectations.
Oh. And I’m a control freak.
Anywho . . .
Let’s Talk About The Bachelorette.
First of all, you know it’s bad when your friends are texting you beforehand to tell you how sad it is that Eric died.
And, sure enough, the first one-on-one date is with Eric. It is so hard to watch because . . .
1) He is so handsome.
2) He has dimples.
3) He has blue eyes.
4) Is his family watching this?
5) He has traveled the world and has always wanted someone to share it with.
6) I can’t take it.
I don’t even know what to write. And even if he was a nerd (which he was not) I wouldn’t be able to say anything.
I mean, what do you say?
They started out on the beach and then took a helicopter (and believe it or not, Andi had never been in a helicopter before so I find it hard to believe she is part of the Bachelor franchise) up to Big Bear mountain. They snowboarded (Andi did not know how to and was not good at it either, which made me feel better because I relate to girls who can’t do anything sporty or dangerous or hard or outside) and then they went to a cabin to have dinner.
Eric told Andi a story about a time he was in Syria and how it was very dangerous . . . so Andi asked him if he would risk all of that if he were to have a wife and kids and he said NO. His biggest goal in life was to have a family.
Andi said “stop” a lot. As in, Eric would say something and she would respond with “stooooopppp”.
Next was the Group Date. They sounded like a bunch of Fraternity Boys. Or first graders. Take your pick.
They went to a night club. Or the movie set of Magic Mike. Again, take your pick.
Either way, it was about erotic dancing. Um. I was a little uncomfortable. But, according to Andi, it was for charity so everyone needed to loosen up a bit and show
us her their abs already – get to it, wouldya.
The boys had to break up into groups of firefighters, cowboys, soldiers, and . . . robots.
Trust me, I didn’t get it either, but if someone told me I had to dance for charity in my underwear or a robot costume, I’d volunteer for the robot costume any day. I’m just putting that out there. Just in case. Covering my boot-y, if you will. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean.
I am not even going to discuss the fact that Craig M. stuffed a certain part of his costume.
Kelly and Charlene from last season came in support of Andi.
And probably to see some naked guys, too. And probably to donate to charity.
Nick S. was the robot. And, well . . . he bent over and Andi is now traumatized for life and I am now the biggest fan of the black box that covers up stuff the public eye should not see, especially if you have no warning.
Then a firefighter gave Chris Harrison a lap dance. True story.
Next were the soldiers. And Andi was a fan of the teacher, Brian. I would like to say that Brian does not work at my school, but I think he should. I am sure we can find something for him to do. He appeared to have a black eye, but no one brought it up so maybe he was just sleepy.
Marcus had a solo – he had to be a navy guy. He was a nervous wreck, but you would never know it. At all. Dang.
Later they went to a mansion to hang out. Because that’s normal. Brian pulled her aside right away and she told him how much he impressed her. She really liked him.
Then she met with Josh, the former pro baseball player. And if I were to have a type, and I don’t, I have my husband and I love him, but if I were to have a type, Josh would be it. The End.
Craig started drinking a lot . . . and he started to get drunk and stupid.
But I can’t blame him because then the Opera Singer started singing and it was awkward. You can’t sing opera one on one. You just can’t. Stop. Don’t we all remember Charlene? NO OPERA SINGING. Even if someone asks you to. No. So I can’t blame Craig for having a drink. Cheers, Craig.
Seriously, though, Craig got out of control as the night went on. He kept drinking and then he and another guy jumped in the pool . . . which would have been okay if they had been at a pool party but, in fact, as Andi pointed out, they were on a date.
Then Craig went from funny to angry. And the producers had to step in and take him home. That’s not embarrassing or anything.
She gave Marcus the group date rose.
Next, Andi had a one-on-one date with Chris, the farmer. Occasionally, he reminds me of Matthew McConaughey. Something about his smile. I don’t know. Am I crazy? I would like to point out that last week I was all about the farmer.
Chris and Andi also had a private concert. Of course. I could have predicted that. ABC needs some new ideas for romance. At least it wasn’t too awkward this time. And Chris and Andi made out.
He got the rose, by the way.
Then it was the Cocktail Party.
Nick V. didn’t get to go on any dates so he gave her a date card that he made up, and brought champagne and strawberries . . . it was cute if you like that sort of thing. I do. I’m a sucker for a drink and a snack.
Josh (baseball player) was a mess at the cocktail party. He was rambling and sweaty and absolutely adorable. I hope it’s sincere. I’m just saying. Then he kissed her . . . I think that was his whole plan. I feel worried that we are supposed to put an emphasis on player. As in Former Pro Baseball PLAYER.
What does he do now? At the end of the day, a Former Pro Baseball Player is not a job. Although I am sure it pays good money.
Craig (drunk boy) knew he messed up . . . so he wrote her an apology song and played the guitar. It was cute, but still . . . she can’t pick him in the end. She just can’t.
Then it was time for the Rose Ceremony.
Here’s who went home:
Carl, the firefighter. I have a feeling Carl will be okay.
Nick S., the pro golfer. He was trying hard not to break down. It was sad and uncomfortable until he put the robot costume back on and talked like a robot . . . then it was just weird.
Craig, the drunk guy. Called it.
Next week is a TWO NIGHT event and I will be out of school so I think you can count on me to report the news. And, apparently, one of the guys has a girlfriend. There appears to be a lot of drama! I cannot wait.
So what did you think???