It’s the RETURN of Talk About It Tuesday!
I feel like this occasion should be marked or celebrated somehow so I am thinking I may need to pop a balloon or hang streamers or something.
But, seeing as how that takes too much effort, I’ll just allow myself to eat another cookie. Who’s counting, anyway?
Alright. So we’ve got Ben the Bachelor. Which is nice for alliteration, but really and truly, what we really have is PETER BRADY from the Brady Bunch. And, if you’re too young to have ever seen the Brady Bunch, I’ll just tell you right now that they lived in a two story house and my family didn’t (at least not right away) and my brother and sisters and I played Brady Bunch and acted like we had stairs in our house. The acting genes were seen early on in my family.
Peter Brady was the cute Brady, too, if you ask me.
The episode began with Ben taking us on a tour of his hometown in Warsaw, Indiana, and he made everyone that I know in the teaching world fall in love with him when he said his elementary school was an important part of his life and that he still sometimes goes there to visit his teachers.
Okay, Ben. You had me at teacher.
He is the All American Boy. Quarterback. Basketball Player.
He took us to his parents’ house and they’re completely normal and have been married for over 30 years. My parents have been married for close to 50 years and they are completely normal, too, except for the fact that they have four kids who acted like they had stairs in a one-story house, as well as acted like they had a big ole van by only getting in on one side of the car (that was when vans didn’t have dual sliding doors) when what we really had was a station wagon.
Once Ben gets back in LA, and to the mansion, Sean, Farmer Chris, and Jason Mesnick visit to give him advice.
It was kind of stupid and I was kind of bored. Basically, Ben wanted to know how he could kiss all of the girls without the girls getting their feelings hurt. Something along those lines.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE BACHELORETTE BIOS AND POPCORN.
The first three bachelorettes that they introduced to us were normal. Regular. Just nice girls doing nice things, wearing bikinis.
But the fourth girl was a weirdo. A self proclaimed weirdo. It’s not like I’m judging her and deciding that she’s a weirdo. Er. Well. You know what I mean.
Then there were a couple of other normal girls in bikinis, and a set of identical twins (because that’s totally normal, obviously, most twins like the exact same guy because it’s like they’re the exact same person said no person ever, and especially me who happens to be a twin, but whatever) and then we met a girl who loves chickens. Real, actual chickens. The cluck-y kind. I mean, I like chicken. Chicken nuggets. Chicken fingers. Fried chicken. But this
chick bachelorette likes real ones that can peck your head into a nub (as Junie B. Jones would say).
AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE LIMOS AND WINE.
First limo — the girls seemed calm and normal. Sweet. No gimmicks in the hope that Ben would remember them later.
Until a girl ran full speed ahead to Ben, jumped on him, and waited for him to pick her up and hold her. It was as if the whole thing was in slow motion because it took Ben awhile to figure out she wasn’t going to let go of his neck and that her feet were dangling.
Another girl told him she had just passed the bar exam and so she asked him if he liked boxers or legal briefs. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that one out.
And, people, then we met Lace.
LACE. I’m thinking it’s short for Lacey. But maybe not. Maybe her middle name is Sock.
We had a sexy math teacher from Texas. Like seriously. I don’t know what she was trying to do, but it made me uncomfortable and I had to take a big gulp of wine to get past it.
Next up was a girl who didn’t speak any English whatsoever at all to Ben and he couldn’t understand her and kept saying YES? with a question mark. She never ever translated what she said for him so we were left wondering if she did, in fact, speak English, or ABC just thought this would be fun for Ben. It’s definitely something new.
Following her was a girl who didn’t care that she was wearing an evening gown because she decided to turn her back-side to Ben, bend over, pull up her fancy dress, and hike a football to Ben. And then she did some winky type thing that I didn’t like at all. It was yucky. Bleck.
Joelle wore a unicorn’s head to get out of the limo. Yes. A unicorn head. Like, a mask. But her whole head was covered. Go figure.
Seriously. You go figure that one out. I’m done. I’m out.
I can’t do this.
Just Kidding. I hung in there for you.
A redheaded girl told Ben to call her Red Velvet. Which made me want a cupcake. Hello?
The weird dentist girl (that I said was a self proclaimed weirdo) put a big ole paper flower on her head. As in, BIG. HUGE. It was the size of a . . . I don’t know. A tire? And it looked ridiculous. It will not be the next big thing so rest assured. No need to go look it up.
A cowgirl came next. Literally. Her job title said “Cowgirl”. Wherein other girls’ job titles said Dentist or Flight Attendant or Bartender or Unemployed, hers said Cowgirl. And cowgirl brought a pony.
A live one. Which meant I started looking for the chickens, but then I wondered if the chicken girl was the cowgirl and I was getting confused because I don’t really know these ladies yet . . .
In the meantime, Lace was starting to show her true colors and being really vocal and rude about all of the ladies showing up. She is a spitfire, that one. We will have to keep our eye on her. I spy a villain.
Another came in a onesie. Actual pajamas. Now, we all know how much I love my pajamas and how I joke that I wish I could just live in them, and we see those little poster sayings on Facebook and Instagram that talk about the agony of having to put on real clothes, but it’s a joke. A JOKE. But this chick (not to be confused with the chickens) actually wore a onesie instead of a dress.
And she said I had to see if you’re the onesie.
Hardy har har. Not only did she tell a lame joke, she had a saggy bottom because of the onesie. It’s not flattering, people. Because it’s a onesie. Which, come to think of it, is not even really pajamas at all and more for a two year old.
I don’t know. I was just shaking my head.
I lost track, but I think there were four Laurens and one Laura. Possibly. Might be five Laurens and two Lauras, but I’m seeing a trend. Only the one Lace, though.
One of the girls asked Ben if he had dimples, and he doesn’t really, so she showed him her dimple and this is what he asked.
Is it natural?
I rolled on the bed, laughing. Dying laughing. Poor guy lives in an age where there’s not a lot of natural going on and maybe he thinks there’s a new way to get a dimple on your cheek. (However, I will confess that not too long ago, I was researching ways to get dimples off of another kind of cheek, if you know what I mean.)
Ben came into the room after all of the limos left and started to make his big speech about how his wife might be in this room and then BAM! Weird Flower On Her Head Girl interrupted him and said So I’m Gonna Steal You Now and she did.
And he let her. And he could have said UM, NO, YOU BIG HEADED FLOWER FREAK, I AM RUNNING THIS SHOW, SIT DOWN AND WATER YOUR FLOWER FOR AWHILE.
But he didn’t. He was nice.
So then the shenanigans began. Flower Girl is a dentist so she checked his teeth and went on and on about how he had better be a flosser or she wouldn’t kiss him and all I was thinking was nope, he’s not going to kiss her. No way. Not ever. She is weird. Self proclaimed. And he didn’t.
DUN. DUN. DUN.
Out of nowhere, another limo showed up and Amber and Becca from Farmer Chris’ season showed up. They “surprised” Ben and he received it well. The other girls — not so much. They saw Becca and Amber as threats. (Just as a reminder, Becca is still a virgin. In case you were wondering.)
Lace tried to get some one on one time with Ben, and she tried to ask him for a better kiss (she gave him a peck when she first got out of the limo), and Ben politely told her that he would like to get to know her better first (what a gentlemanly strategy). But then FLOWER HEAD GIRL came and took him away which made Lace angry.
VERY ANGRY. Not to mention, she was a little inebriated and that added to her anger. But then Ben went looking for her and he said he needed to finish his train of thought and he didn’t want her to feel worried that he rejected her, etc.
It was very sweet and made me like Ben a lot. But I hope he can see through Lace.
Well shoot. I mean, you can see through lace. That’s why it’s called lace.
But you know what I mean. 😉
He gave the first impression to the Dimples girl. 🙂 I wish I could make a smiley face with dimples on my keyboard. Even as I say he gave the first impression rose to Dimples girl, I’m not entirely sure it’s the same girl I told you about. There were just so many girls.
Before we knew it, it was time for the Rose Ceremony. One thing I I noticed is that Ben addresses the ladies as you guys, which is fine, except that they are not guys. I wish he would say you all or y’all or you ladies or I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking too much.
He gave Becca and Amber roses.
He also gave the twins roses.
And he gave FLOWER HEAD GIRL a rose.
The last rose went to Lace.
Now my TV is broken because I threw my remote control at it in a fit of YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, IT’S RIGGED, ABC GETS TO HAVE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PICKS, IS THIS NOT AMERICA? CAN WE NOT GIVE RED VELVET A ROSE INSTEAD? LIKE REALLY?
After the rejected ladies went home, Lace pulled Ben aside AGAIN! to talk to him about how he wasn’t looking at her during the whole ceremony, and how her name was the last one called (it was) and other things under her breath (she doesn’t really open her mouth when she is speaking, it’s like she keeps her teeth clenched together all the time) and she was arguing with him and being rude and obstinate and looking for validation and reassurance . . . it was just DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.
He made a big mistake keeping Lace, but we can’t blame him since ABC made him do it.
That’s what I’m saying and I’m sticking to it.
Episode One is a wrap.
Please leave a comment and tell me who your favorite girl is or who you don’t like at all, or even if something cracked you up! I will read them all!
🙂 (imagine dimples)