This episode was pretty good, but not extremely good. Mainly because all that Kelsey drama with 911 and gasping and crying did not happen until the very end just as I suspected! Grrrr. Other than that, it was way more entertaining than it has been all season.
The girls learned that they would be going to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Megan thought there would be a beach. And she also said she’d never been out of the country and she was really excited. I would like to go on record and let you know right now that I was not her first grade teacher.
Carly got the first one on one and a couple of the other girls were trying to shoot arrows at her out of their eyeballs, but they were actually lacking that super hero skill so Carly survived.
Instead, she went on her date with Chris . . . which was basically to meet with a Meditating Love Guru who was all Zen and quiet and calm and the absolute complete opposite of me and my personality so right away, I decided I didn’t like her. The Meditating Love Guru was not for me. Oh, and guess what? Carly is afraid of physical intimacy so she was very very very nervous about this date.
If I had been on this date, there is no way I could have made it through without laughing. And I might have told the love guru to not touch me. Just saying.
Carly and Chris had to hum and connect and blindfold each other and touch each other without talking, and they had to do it all while the love guru talked and looked on and watched and it was just so weird.
Other weird stuff happened . . . and it was like the love guru was more of a sicko-stranger-peeping Tom-freakazoid (pervert!!!!!!) and she wanted them to undress each other. Undress each other. In front of her! On their first date. I mean, Steve and I have been married for seventeen years and he’s still waiting to undress me so basically I was just yelling at my television ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
They tried to undress each other. But they couldn’t. Can you blame them? I can’t.
Next, Carly was told to climb into his lap . . . and they weren’t allowed to kiss but they did a lot of breathing with their eyes closed and the crazy lady just kept talking.
I seriously wanted to tell her to shut up already. Chris and Carly decided to kiss. So there you go, crazy lady. In your face. Literally. She was sitting two inches away from them so they were literally kissing in her face. IT WAS BIZARRE.
Back at the house, the girls learned that Britt was going to get the next one-on-one date. Kelsey decided that was unacceptable. Just un-accept-able. She needed a one-on-one. She is a widow and hasn’t told her story yet and she needs a one-on-one in order to do it.
Meanwhile, Chris and Carly got to know each other better because the love guru lady finally left them alone. They did a lot of talking. They kissed. He gave her the rose.
The girls went whitewater rafting. Chris wanted to see who could “hang” outdoors.
Jade fell overboard into the freezing cold water. Ordinarily, that would be cold and uncomfortable, but it turns out Jade has a condition in which she has poor circulation so Chris had to massage her back to life.
I’m going to remember that condition. I think if you’re going to have a condition, poor circulation might be a good one to have if you’re on The Bachelor.
Later that evening, the girls were going to have a little party with Chris. But Jordan (drunk college girl that was eliminated two weeks ago) drove up from Colorado to ask for a second chance.
The girls were kept waiting for so long and the anticipation was building and what if this or what if that and do you think maybe that or this, but finally Chris walked in with Jordan.
Again, their super hero powers of shooting arrows out of their eyes didn’t work!!
Back at the hotel, Britt and Carly were chit chatting and it turns out that Britt actually does not shower all that often. Which means that Michelle Money was not kidding when she said she heard that one of the girls didn’t shower. WHO KNEW?
Britt’s date card said The Sky’s the Limit and she immediately started crying because she knew it had something to do with heights. And its not that she just doesn’t like heights. It’s a PHOBIA, people. Her body can’t handle it. It’s kind of like Jade’s circulation problem except that Britt’s unshowered body shuts down when reaching a certain height. I wonder if showering would help.
I have said this before: PEOPLE! LISTEN UP! When you apply to be on the bachelor and they ask you your fears, you say you are afraid of puppies!!!! And kittens! And chocolate! And wine! Then you will get the date where you have to eat chocolate and drink wine while sitting amongst puppies and kittens licking you to death.
I have decided the most brilliant girl ever in all the world is definitely Carly. Fearing physical intimacy with a man is pure genius. Her date was all about touching and breathing and getting naked with the bachelor! I think Carly should teach a class.
Chris spent almost every one-on-one with the girls discussing Jordan which was annoying to him because they weren’t spending time on building their own relationships. Most of the girls were trying to be nice and welcoming, but Ashley I. was extremely flabbergasted.
In the long run, after all the drama, Chris sent Jordan home. She cried. The other girls were happy, although a few also happened to cry because that makes total sense, don’t you think? These girls are emotional.
Chris gave the group date rose to Whitney, the fertility specialist with the squeaky voice that is coming down to a normal octave with each new episode. Ashley I. cried and cried because she is nothing if not consistent.
The next morning, Chris sneaks into the girls’ room to wake up Britt to take her on her date.
1. He said Britt is just as beautiful in the morning as she is when she is all dolled up.
2. He told Carly to shhhh.
3. Britt and Chris kept kissing even though Carly was right there.
4. Britt puts on makeup before bed just in case. If she doesn’t shower, then how many layers of make up are on her face, do you think?
Britt found out that she wasn’t going to have to jump off of anything . . . instead, they got to go on a hot air balloon. Britt handled it well. And by handled it well, I mean she did a lot of jumping up and down and acting so super excited for it and they made out a lot once they were in the air. Next, he took her to his hotel room.
The other girls discussed the fact that Britt doesn’t shower, likes being single, is in no rush to get married or have kids, etc. In other words, Britt is not there for the right reasons. Carly was very upset and teary eyed that Chris shushed her and kissed Britt in front of him.
Chris and Britt kept making out . . . and then Chris shut the doors to his room and we couldn’t see anymore. FOR SHAME!
Britt went back to the girls hotel room and told them all about her date which included coffee, dessert, and a “nap”. Kelsey felt that this threatened the relationship that she has with Chris (do they have a relationship? Do they?) so she decided to go visit him.
She sat on the couch with Chris and told him her story. It was kind of awkward. Or Kelsey is awkward. I don’t know. She’s kind of a like a cartoon. Or maybe even a robot.
She lives in her own fantasy world of how it’s supposed to happen. When he was kissing her and hugging her . . . it was all just SO FAKE. I can’t explain it. You have to see it to see what I’m talking about.
Meanwhile, Kelsey told the camera that she loves her story. And with the biggest smile on her face, she said, IT’S TRAGIC, BUT IT’S AMAZING. And, she knows this show is about Chris, but it’s about her, too. And isn’t it great that we get to see her pick up the pieces and form a new relationship? She is so happy that the first kiss is now in the storybooks.
It was CREEPY. It was NOT NORMAL. I was looking very hard for the psychiatrist in the background holding the straight jacket for when Kelsey finished her interview, but I never saw him! Did you?!
At the cocktail party, Chris told the girls he had a hard conversation with Kelsey earlier that day . . . and then he had to excuse himself because he got emotional.
EVERYONE RELAX. GEESH! SETTLE DOWN!
Kelsey then spoke to the rest of the girls and she was so . . . ICK! She was trying to act all mature and in charge and in the know and she was sad she would have to say goodbye to some girls because she wasn’t going anywhere. It was so annoying.
And everyone wanted time, but Kelsey got time by sneaking into his suite and that was unfair! ESPECIALLY because Chris decided to call off the cocktail party and just commence with the rose ceremony. It was just so unfair!
Kelsey walked off and the next thing we knew, we heard a kind of moaning, gasping, it must be a panic attack . . . type of yell.
And it was the last two seconds of the show, gosh darn it.
That’s how it ended! It ended basically with the preview from last week. There wasn’t even a rose ceremony. It said To Be Continued which, if I’m not mistaken, is super stupid because it continues every single week until he has to pick between two girls and ask one of them to marry him.
So there you have it. There was no rose ceremony so everyone is still there.
I think that could be a new song. It’s kind of catchy. Shoulder shrug, panic attack, love guruuuuuuuuu . . .
So what are your thoughts?