Here’s something funny.
Several people in Vegas (yes, those of us who went are still talking about it) told me that they don’t even watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette, but they love reading my Talk About It Tuesdays.
What? I think that’s what I said. Or, really? And then I said I always think about quitting and they all said I couldn’t.
I don’t get it.
I mean it. I do not get it.
Andi and the last three boys headed to the Dominican Republic for Fantasy Suite Dates.
The first fifteen or twenty minutes of the episode was a recap of the three boys left.
Josh, Chris, and Nick.
She used a lot of adjectives. A LOT. As well as a ton of examples. It was a tad bit exhausting.
And I was a little bit sick of all the kissing.
The first date was with Nick. Again, I had two thoughts.
EW. No. NO!
But then I thought, fine, let’s get this over with. Or actually I sighed about it. Fiiiiinnnnne. Expel air in an exasperated way.
Andi and Nick got on a helicopter. I was fine with it. It was fine. It hasn’t been overdone this season and I can’t even think if anyone has been on a helicopter this season. Here is what I truly think. This has been the LONGEST season ever. I need it to hurry up and be over so that I can watch Bachelor Pad in Paradise.
Yes, I have issues. We have been over this before.
You’d think I’d have some other adjectives in my repertoire since Andi just listed about nineteen million in her all of her little speeches about the guys but, when it comes to Nick, I can only come up with fine.
They were taken to a private island. Andi described her time with Nick as an Adult Romance Kind of Thing.
Um, I sure hope they’re adults. Otherwise, what they were doing in the ocean was entirely inappropriate and probably illegal, as well.
They talked about Nick’s prior relationships . . . apparently, he has gotten his heart broken a lot. The sad music didn’t affect me at all. Cold as ice, I tell you.
Nick tried to tell Andi how he was feeling (he loves her) but he couldn’t get the words out so instead Andi suggested snorkeling. So they snorkeled.
Later, they had dinner on the island.
And Nick presented her with a book (a fairy tale, to be exact) he’d written because he had some time and . . . according to him, was what any midwestern boy would do if they had some time.
Um . . . I’m gonna say no to that. Uh uh. Not really. I think most midwestern boys would not type up a story and draw pictures or find pictures or whatever he did to make the book. Nope. I imagine midwestern boys doing something midwestern-y like eating at the Cracker Barrel or riding a horse or chewing on some hay or hunting deer or standing in a field with only their jeans and a cowboy hat on.
(Okay, please do not email me and tell me that you are from the midwest and I am so off base and I need to get a grip. I grew up in Oklahoma and Texas – I know what’s what, I am just having a little daydream and that’s all. Getting a grip is pretty much not ever going to happen here.)
Nick then read his story out loud to her and it was basically a fairy tale of their journey . . .
I don’t know. I like the idea of it, but I don’t. It’s cute, but it’s not.
Most likely because Nick did it.
He agreed to go to the Fantasy Suite with her but, first, he had to tell her he loved her so he said A LOT of words while she showed him her pouty face and made pouty noises AND THEN FINALLY he told her.
But it took a long time and then there was so much audible kissing, I wanted to throw up. Smack, smooch, spit, sputter, STOP ALREADY I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE YOU ARE MAKING ME SICK AND I WAS TRYING TO EAT A PEPPERMINT PATTY THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Oh good grief, seriously, the audible kissing was OVER THE TOP. I am pretty sure you can kiss without making noise.
I will try it and report back at a later date.
Next up: Josh!!! My mad crush.
Josh walked up to Andi and was speaking a little bit of Spanish to her which was so cute, but would have been absolutely annoying if Nick had done it. Keeping it real here, people.
But then, as the date went on, guess what? He actually really speaks Spanish! WOOT WOOT! And then he wanted to dance and he was shaking his bootie even though he wasn’t good at it. That’s how I am. I always want to dance even though I am not good at it. And I am almost positive that if you shake your bootie, it can be classified as dancing, so there you go.
I am the BEST Sitting In My Chair Dancer, by the way.
They played baseball with some local kids which was adorable, of course. Andi loved seeing him around the kids because her biological clock is ticking, don’t ya know. Well, I said that, not her, but I’m pretty sure it is.
Afterwards, they sat on a bench and Josh must have said he loved her about fifty times and Andi looked like she was going to cry . . . it wasn’t even her pouty face. I’m just going out on a limb here and totally reading into things, I’m not an expert, but it looked like she felt relieved and happy about it.
I don’t know, but if I was a gambler (and I’m not, aside from playing the slots at the airport with a $5 bill and walking away with $71, yessiree bob) I’d say she loves Josh back. Because when Nick said he loved her, she was just showing her pouty face and kind of acting like she expected it and it was no big thing. But when Josh said it . . . well, it was a completely different thing. She was teary eyed.
I’d like your thoughts on this. Please chime in.
Later, they had dinner. They talked about what kind of parents they would be and Josh continued to say he loved her, but Andi was worried that he was happy all of the time.
Isn’t that a good thing? Right? What in the world?
He assured her that he could be serious, but that he couldn’t help but be happy around her.
Yes, I melted.
They went to the fantasy suite and fireworks went off.
I mean that literally, not figuratively. Literally, fireworks went off. Get your mind out of the gutters, people.
Now, because I have a mad crush on Josh, I can’t see past his cuteness. I believe every word that comes out of his mouth. If you think he is shady or that we can’t trust him, please leave a comment and tell me why so I can snap out of my stupor. Thank you.
Then Josh told the camera pretty much all of this: I will support her, I will protect her, I will be a loving husband, I will be a loving father, I will make her happy, I love her, I have never felt like this before, I want to propose.
So I basically fell over in a dead faint as if I was living in the Victorian age and my girdle was too tight when, in fact, I was wearing ginormous pajama pants that are entirely too long, and if he is not picked, he’d better be the next bachelor and I’m serious or ABC is getting a strongly worded letter from me and you all can sign it, too, okay? Okay?!
Last was Chris.
Andi took Chris to the countryside of the Dominican to ride horses even though she was nervous around horses.
They are very tall.
Andi and Chris hopped up on the horses and started having a nice little walk with conversation until Andi’s horse started running. Or trotting very fast. She freaked out. Not in a loud embarrassing way or anything (read: I would have started screaming and crying and probably would have fallen off before the horse had a chance to buck or rear or do anything scary) but Chris was there for her and got her to relax.
They talked a lot about his family and his hometown date and how much she loved it all. Then they played that Hide On The Farm game. I still feel like I could win that.
Andi wasn’t sure about Chris and if their connection was deep, close, and real enough . . . it made me worried for Chris.
At dinner that night, they talked about her possible move to Iowa. Chris said he was willing to make sacrifices and that everything was negotiable . . . but Andi didn’t want him to make any concessions in which he left his farm.
And then Andi started getting choked up and told him that she was struggling . . .
Here’s my input. Chris needs to be the next bachelor and ONLY GIRLS THAT WANT TO LIVE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ON A FARM AND BE HIS WIFE NEED APPLY.
Then Andi started ugly crying and had a hard time talking because she said she is not where he is in their connection. She doesn’t see herself in Iowa, but also said there was more to it. She said she has more respect for him and didn’t want to lead him on.
Of course, Chris was a true gentleman. Andi was a mess. Her heart and head weren’t matching up . . . it was a disaster. And Chris was just so sweet and kind and wonderful.
HE NEEDS TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR.
Either Chris or Josh.
Are we all clear?!
Chris was sad in the limo . . . but he didn’t bawl like a baby or anything like that or say his life was over or whine and say, “WHY ME?”
He was just as sweet as could be.
Then we had another Andi Talks To Chris Harrison Segment which is my most unfavorite thing ever next to Nick.
Chris Harrison said, “Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah?”
Andi replied, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.” Pouty face.
Repeat 12 times.
There was still a rose ceremony because you never know — the guys might not accept the rose.
Yeah, right. Puh-lease.
So guess what?
Nick and Josh each got a rose.
Next week: THE GUYS TELL ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT.
I feel like I asked a lot of questions . . . I need you to answer them. Pleaseandthankyou.