Well, how was your day?
Mine was nuts. Just nuts.
In a nutshell, I had to leave my kids for 45 minutes with a sub while I went to the computer lab and learned some new software data assessment fandangled will never remember how to get from that screen to the other screen equipment . . . and while I was gone, we had a lockdown drill just for practice, mind you . . . and then the next thing I knew it was lunch time.
After school, I had a school site council meeting because somebody nominated me and then other people that didn’t want to be nominated voted for me and that resulted in me being on a committee that meets after school.
Murphie stayed home which means she slept all the livelong day (and I was totally jealous) so I had to take her on a walk.
She is a big German Shepherd dog and normally acts like a little Llasa Apso or Weiner Dog or Doodle Dee Doo, but when I walk her by myself, she is on guard like nobody’s business.
It freaks me out. She keeps checking behind us to make sure no one is sneaking up on us, but every time she turns her head to check, I am expecting the boogie man.
You’re caught up on my day.
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT.
Cassandra got the first one-on-one . . . now, just a reminder, she’s the girl that has a son named Tray. She misses him. She hasn’t been on a date in three years. That was when she was eighteen.
Yes. Eighteen years old. Let’s see here. Eighteen plus three equals just now old enough to drink.
Well, I think it’s safe to say that I don’t like her. Just on principle.
So Juan Pablo picked her up in a jeep and took her to the beach. She thought that they might be going on a yacht, or paddle boarding, or swimming, or maybe she thought Juan Pablo didn’t know how to drive because they ended up in the water and the jeep was actually a boat.
That’s normal. (PS when I am on a boat, I need to wear my sunglasses because the wind will dry my contacts out and I can’t stand it. This is all I thought of when they were racing around on the water.)
Cassandra got lucky because Juan Pablo drove the boat over to a yacht. They promptly jumped off the yacht, swam around, and kissed.
At the end of the day, Juan Pablo had Cassandra over to his house and he cooked for her. And they danced. And they kissed. And they showed each other pictures of their kids. And then Juan Pablo gave her the rose.
Even though she is practically a child herself. Just saying.
The group date was next: Soccer.
Um . . . I’m going to go on record and say that soccer is not a date either. It’s a sport. For athletic people.
And people who like to be outside in places other than wineries.
The girls practiced and then changed into some soccer uniforms. It was red against blue. The girls played hard and Charleen (the opera singer) got hit in the leg and the face and the knee and everywhere else which just proves my point.
My point being that if you are not athletic, you should go to the movies. Or drink wine. Or blog.
Red won. But unlike other competitions on the Bachelor, the winners didn’t get a special reward or anything. ALL of the girls got to have dinner and cocktails with Juan Pablo.
Nikki, the pediatric nurse, had a nice convo with him . . . but she didn’t kiss him.
Andi, the District Attorney, also had a nice conversation with him. If you consider smack, smack, smooch, kiss, smack a good conversation.
Juan Pablo took Charleen to the middle of the soccer field and spread a blanket out . . . and all the girls could see them. And then he kissed her which made everyone upset because all the girls could see them.
***This next part is an addendum (can you tell I was in a School Site Council meeting?). I was told I needed to address it.
Charleen can’t kiss. But Chris Harrison kept saying it was going to be the most awkward kiss in Bachelor history and I didn’t think it was that awkward. At least Juan Pablo wanted to kiss her. I vaguely remember a girl trying to kiss Sean (I think, maybe Ben or Brad or who knows) and sitting on his lap and it was bad, bad, bad, bad. Charleen was just . . . well, I think she is used to singing and using her mouth and tongue (or lack, thereof) in more of an opera way.
And then . . . dun dun dun . . . Juan Pablo gave the rose to NIKKI. The one he DIDN’T kiss.
Well, if that’s not a lesson learned, I don’t know what is. My hubby is still waiting for our first kiss. Uh huh. Yep. I know how to play hard to get.
The next day, Juan Pablo picked up Chelsea, a teacher of which I do not know the grade. This left Elise, the first grade teacher, without a date. Elise decided to trust her connection with him and she was not worried. Well, she was worried that Chelsea was more like a little girl rather than a woman, and that Juan Pablo probably didn’t want two daughters.
In the car, Juan Pablo and Chelsea sang and danced and had a great time.
At this point, I wondered if Juan Pablo’s eye turned in a bit . . . like slightly cross eyed, possibly. I don’t mind it. It’s totally fine. I’m was just wondering if I was seeing things. Anyone? Again, it really doesn’t bother me.
They ate Venezuelan food that looked delicious and made me hungry.
And then they had to go bungie jumping.
What in the world is wrong with this show. Period. That is not a question. I’m not asking. I’m saying what in the world is wrong with this show. It is NOT Survivor or Big Brother or the Amazing Race. If I’m ever jumping off of a platform, it’s because it just so happens to be a stage and there are adoring fans asking me to crowd surf.
Chelsea freaked out (rightfully so), hemmed and hawed, cried a bit, freaked out again, and took a lot of seconds (let’s take a second), and Juan Pablo assured her that they didn’t have to do it.
Once Chelsea realized he was giving her TWO options and that there was actually an option to walk away, she felt ready. And there you go.
Off she went.
Oh. Just in case you didn’t know, they lived. But some people don’t. I’ve read it in the news and some people have died trying to bungee jump so let’s all just agree that it’s dangerous and not date material.
They kissed hanging upside down. Then, apparently, someone got them off of the bungee because they went to a private dinner at the City Hall in Pasadena.
He gave her the rose.
And then guess what?
No, they didn’t get on a helicopter.
No, there were no fireworks.
Yes! Yes. Another private concert. More dancing. Chelsea knew the words to the song and she knew the singer. So that was kind of cute.
Juan Pablo liked that Chelsea was “fun, easy going, positive, optimistic, and loves life” . . . he said she was wife material and a keeper.
Well, shoot . . . if that’s not like every teacher I know! HELLO?! He might as well have been describing me. Toot. (I just tooted my own horn.)
The next morning, Juan Pablo snuck into the mansion and cooked a Venezuelan breakfast for the girls. He wanted to see the girls without their hair done, etc.
Some of the girls handled it better than others. He appreciated the girls who were more natural . . . and he liked the girls in their pajamas.
Yes. The girls who were in their pajamas. Although he said paYamas which is how I might start saying it because it’s adorable.
Instead of having a cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo threw a pool party instead.
The girls were excited until Kat decided to climb on top of Juan Pablo’s shoulders to play chicken and stayed there for twenty minutes. One girl put it another way . . . but I won’t repeat it. It had something to do with crotches and prostitutes. Well, there you go.
The girls started losing it. First was Charleen. She cried (this is so hard, there are cameras in my face, there are too many other girls, blah blah blah) and then he made her feel better so they kissed again while the girls watched. I still can’t believe Charleen hasn’t broken out into a song yet . . .
Then it was Clare’s turn to break down. Renee, still the mother of the group. tried to help her. But, ultimately, Juan Pablo made Clare feel better.
Finally, it was the rose ceremony.
A girl named Christy that we never even got to know was sent home . . . she said she had a hard time opening up. Well.
Lucy, the nudist, was also sent home. So if you were looking to fill her job as a Free Spirit, it’s taken. Goshdarnit.
And that’s it.
Next week, Charleen breaks out into song so I’m looking forward to that.
I don’t know why, but I am.
TALK TO ME, PEOPLE! 🙂