Let me start by saying it was a boring episode. I was bored. I am looking forward to tonight’s episode because it looks like something goes down in the Fantasy Suite and I am telling you right now if it is about a stubbed toe or a bad hair day or the girls are disappointed with the size of their hotel suite, I am going to write a strongly worded letter to ABC.
Last night’s show was all about the Hometown Dates.
Kansas City, MO
Nikki took Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s for barbecue. They ate. And ate. And ate some more. I liked that.
Juan Pablo called the whole thing “a blast”.
I think I love Juan Pablo. No one needs to bungee jump or rappel down a mountain or swim through caves . . . one can EAT on a date and Juan Pablo thinks it’s a blast. Thank you, JP, thank you.
Next, Juan Pablo rode a mechanical bull.
He did really well, but Juan Pablo may never be able to father a child again because . . . well, I don’t think I need to spell it out . . . but let’s just say, OUCH.
Over beer, Nikki wanted to tell Juan Pablo that she loved him. But she couldn’t. She didn’t know why. I think it had something to do with the simple fact that they were eating barbecue and drinking beer and they weren’t hanging upside down from a bungee cord or racing in a boat or sliding down a hill. I think Nikki was out of her element.
Nikki’s family totally welcomed Juan Pablo with a really nice toast. Something like “When you sit down at our table, you’re family.” Even though you’re kissing umpteen girls and frolicking in the ocean doing it with some other chick, by golly, bless your heart, you’re family.
Nikki’s mom accepted everything she said about loving Juan Pablo and wanting to marry him.
Tom, her dad, well . . . I’m telling you, this guy was made for TV. He might as well have been a sitcom dad, I’m not kidding. I am a big fan of Tom.
Tom wanted to know what it was that made Nikki feel as if this was the real thing. Well, wouldn’t you know, Nikki couldn’t put her finger on it. Hmmm. Could this be because she has only known Juan Pablo for a few weeks and he’s been kissing umpteen girls and frolicking in the ocean doing it with some other chick?
No! Pee-shaw! She loves him. The End. There is no reason to put a finger on it when Juan Pablo puts his tongue down her throat.
Nikki, again, came super close to telling him that she loved him, but she just couldn’t. It didn’t feel right.
Andi took Juan Pablo to do some shooting at the gun range. Because ear muffs and safety goggles are so hot, don’t ya know.
Poor Juan Pablo — he had a tough time hitting the bulls eye in the beginning, but then he got the hang of it.
Next, Andi took Juan Pablo to meet her family. And she was dying and panicking on the inside. She said her family could be skeptical and that Juan Pablo didn’t know what he was walking into.
Well, hot dog, bring on the drama.
Andi’s dad disapproved right from the get-go. And PS, his name is Hy.
Hy. How are you? Hy here.
Hy thinks they’re just infatuated with one another. And he was not impressed.
Andi’s mom flirted with Juan Pablo and pretty much asked him to dance with her. Andi’s mom is no fool.
Then Hy (Hi there!) got his turn to have some time with Juan Pablo.
Dun Dun Dun!
Juan Pablo sorta kinda asked for Andi’s hand in marriage. Sorta kinda because he said “if” and Hy (hello) said “Uh NO, you stupid little maggot, get off my property” and then he got out the shotgun.
Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but Hy said, “Listen here, sonny, when you’re not dating other girls and you’re serious about my daughter, we’ll talk then” and then he just pulled up his pants a little in a “I’m the dad here, and I’m in charge, and I ate too much” kind of way.
Hy was just afraid that Andi would get hurt.
I hear ya, Hy, I do.
Juan Pablo met Renee’s son, Ben, (too soon? I think too soon) and that went well. There were tears and stuff because Renee hadn’t seen him in months and all that . . . then they watched Ben play ball. And I have to say that they looked very good on the bleachers together. It just looked so . . . normal. I don’t know. My two cents. Opposed to the other quarters and dollars and other cents I’ve been writing.
Juan Pablo met Renee’s brother who, let’s just put it out there, is quite the little hottie.
Renee was very sweet when she was talking about Ben — she was very proud of him and thought he handled the whole day well and I have to say I agree. He was quiet and mature . . . and not acting at all “over the top” or seeking attention from the cameras like I would if the Bachelor production crew was in my house and watching me play baseball.
It was a very easy hometown date. No drama, no hard conversations, no weird stuff. It was really really easy. Except Renee wanted to tell him she loved him and she didn’t.
Other than that, nothing happened. At all. Nada.
They went to a rose garden. And they talked about Clare’s dad. It was sad. 🙁
Then they went to meet Clare’s family. She is the youngest of six sisters. It was all women except for a brother in law and the most adorable little ragamuffin dog that kept sitting on Sister Lisa’s lap.
Most of the sisters were kind, understanding, and supportive.
And then Sister Lara just bashed all over her. Clare wanted some one on one time with her Mama, but Lara just stood by with her arms crossed and a big ole The Bachelor Production Crew Is At My House And I Am Going To Get Screen Time If It Kills Me attitude. Oh, and she wore a fake smile.
Lara kept speaking for her Mama. And when Clare would try to talk, Sister Lara would say, “You’re not going to manipulate Mama.”
Clare cried. She was upset. She said, “What are you doing?”
It was weird.
And what Lara was doing was making sure she was going to be on TV.
Juan Pablo and Mama had a bit of a chat in Spanish . . . and they bonded and it all worked out.
Whoa. Clare was wearing a red dress. Or the red dress was wearing Clare. I don’t know. But dang. She was not shy. Nor body conscious.
It was also very windy at the ceremony which was bothering Nikki’s side braid.
Renee was the girl who did not get a rose.
Juan Pablo cried. And Renee just stood there. And then they walked arm in arm over to the requisite bench near the limo that would whisk her away to Heartbreak Land and they sat there and talked.
Their goodbye was super sweet — no anger or anything.
In the limo, Renee was so gracious and kind. She loves Juan Pablo, she respects him, she realized that he must have had a deeper connection with one of the other girls.
I wish all the other girls from seasons’ past could have this attitude instead of crying and whining, “I don’t understand. No one ever loves me. I am so sad. I am devastated. Sniff. Snort. I am all alone. Why does this keep happening to me?”
And that was it.
I know. Boring!
What did you think???