I have the worst hiccups ever. It is actually hurting me. Any suggestions? I’ve tried drinking upside down and holding my breath. I really would just like to stop catapulting myself off the couch every 30 seconds or so.
For the first time EVER, I actually typed while I watched The Bachelor last night (with the occasional pause of my Tivo if my mind was going faster than my fingers could type — this is typical behavior so please don’t be alarmed). So the “feel” of this post may seem different to you. That’s because it was LIVE. No time for marinating. Although I think half way through, I may have acted as if it was in the past . . . so my tenses may be all screwed up. This should not be a problem for any of the primary teachers out there – my kids write in every tense available, as I’m sure yours do, too. (This is a first grade phenomenon and has nothing to do with the teacher teaching writing.)
Ben and the remaining three ladies are off to Switzerland for their overnight dates. Here we go. Ben has lots of life changing decisions to make and so he contemplates those decisions while looking out the window of a plane. That is what I always do. I am usually in Coach, though. Was he in first class? I couldn’t tell.
I think ABC chose Switzerland very strategically. It’s colder. It’s crisp. Zero humidity. Even though Ben may be confused, his hair can straighten out over there. Thank goodness. I was at my wits end with that frizzy, floppy, parted-in-the-middle hair. Don’t look at mine while I type this. I get my hair done on Wednesday and those nasty looking roots will be all gone. Look away, I said.
Oh, good grief. ANOTHER HELICOPTER. It’s only Nikki’s second time in a helicopter, ever. I guess I’d be excited, too. But if I multiply umpteen seasons by countless rides, I’ve had my fair share of helicopters.
But this has to be the first time I have ever thrown up. Here’s why:
Ben: “My relationship with Nikki is gaining new heights. But it’s also grounded. Relationships can be a wild ride. But who better to have by my side?”
Who writes this stuff?????? There is NO WAY he is just spouting off these words. Who talks like that??? Throw up.
But then Nikki did it with the cliff!!! She made the cliff a metaphor. Please stop. Life is not a metaphor. Life is grocery shopping, dust, zits, coke-bottle glasses, mouth guards, snoring, bills . . . wait. Is that just my life? Is this because I chose a man with normal hair?
Fantasy Suite – pervert.
Just kidding. Maybe. But I choose not to write about it. Because people tell me that I am naive to think that they are only talking and sleeping (as in slumbering).
Come on! Grrrrr.
I guess I should be happy they’re wearing clothes and not bikinis.
Here come the metaphors again. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Bonding and all that. Ugh. Listen up, Ben. Want a quicker way to bond? TALK TO THE GIRL. ASK A QUESTION. LISTEN. REPEAT. You do not have to defy death in order to bond with someone. (Although let me proudly say that I have repelled down a mountain before. That’s right. Uh huh. Well, we’ll call it a rocky hill. It was in Oklahoma at church camp. Yes, I know Oklahoma doesn’t have mountains. But whatever. I did repel down the side of a rock of some type and it was SCARY. I don’t recall bonding with anything except the ropes, now that I think about it.)
Dinner. Date Card.
Fantasy Suite – Pervert.
And I don’t think I’m kidding this time. GROSS. Lindzi! Lindzi!!! He was with Nikki last night!!!! STOP!
CUT! STOP ROLLING!
In my mind, they just talked and slumbered. THAT. IS. ALL.
Hmmmm. I just wonder why ABC keeps putting Courtney last in the lineup. I am suspicious. What is that about?
They take a train. I’m okay with that. But why hasn’t Courtney had to jump off something? Or pee her pants because she is so frightened? Has she had a scary date? Or just picnics? Shoulder shrug. Mouth twitch. I just don’t get it.
Ben confronts her on her treatment of the girls. Because . . . this is the clincher . . . it made it harder on HIM. And, people, if you haven’t heard . . . BEN IS THE BACHELOR. It’s all about him. And he is not one to let others off the hook.
Does it sound like I’m defending Courtney? Uh oh. That’s not my intention. But if we were making T-shirts that said Team Courtney or Team Ben, I’d have to go with Team Courtney. She has better hair. And she’s admitting her mistakes which could mean one of two things. Number one: she’s sorry. Number two: she’s fake. Let’s vote and see what teachers everywhere think! 🙂
Fantasy Suite – pervert
Please, somebody, please tell me that they are just talking and slumbering without the cameras around. PUH-LEASE. Surely, they are not . . . they’re not. Right? Just thinking about it makes my shoulders shrug of their own free will.
We interrupt these messages for an “Emily as the Bachelorette” preview. ROUND OF APPLAUSE!
(I could have done without the Titanic metaphors from Ashley. Not working for me. Also, I have never gone to the movies dressed like that. Ever. It was a little frumpy for my taste. I think those dresses were clearly missing feather boas and tiaras.)
And we’re back.
Along with Kasie B.
Does ABC have this stunt in their contract? It must be! Paragraph 17. Must return to the scene of the
crime Bachelor to grovel. Sign here. And here. Initial here. And there. You must cry and look disheveled, or we reserve the right to edit all filming in such a way that you look like you are crazy. Off you go.
Kasie warns Ben about Courtney. The music is dark. Dun Dun Dun.
Ben doesn’t know what to say. What else is new? Once again, I thought he was mean. Rude.
And Kasie? On the floor? Was that in Paragraph 18? It must be, right? I think I’ve seen that move before. I think it was Ali with Jake, the airline pilot (gag). Ali just melted into the floor of the hallway. Remember? It must be in the contract. I’m sure of it. “You must become one with the carpet of the hotel hallway.”
Now poor, tired Ben is even more confused. And apparently grouchy.
Rose Ceremony. Here we go.
Lots of pauses. But he finally gives the first rose to Lindzi.
And then . . . after loud exhales . . . and more pausing . . . (this is as bad as Ryan Seacrest on American Idol – get on with it already!) . . . Courtney.
Oh, Nikki. I know you’re sad, but you dodged a bullet.
Looking at Courtney and Lindzi — who would have thought it? Not me.
Nikki is upset in the limo. I really like her so I wish I could have been there with her . . . No limo language for her. Her parents will be relieved.
Next week, we take a break from the action for Girls Tell All. I can’t wait!!! How about you???