Well, my fellow Bachelorette fans, last night’s episode was a lot better than the previous two . . . so let’s dig in, shall we?
Si. Me gusto Barcelona.
Barcelona is also known as the Return of the Zip Up Hoodies. It’s an epidemic this season!
It makes me think I ought to go check my stash and make sure none are missing.
Drew got the first one on one date. Drew is the pretty boy. Don’t you think? Couldn’t he have been in Pretty or Pink or Sixteen Candles? Am I dating myself? Well, who cares? If you have never seen either of those, finish reading my post, and then go rent them or find them on Netflix.
Des and Drew walked around Barcelona. Drew told a sad story about his father and got choked up. NO. NO MORE GUY TEARS. But Desiree liked it.
They kissed A LOT.
They had a private dinner (of course) and then Drew basically kidnapped her and ran away from the cameras with her. I can only imagine what the cameramen were thinking . . .
*Finally. Dude! Let’s eat their food.
*I’m not wearing the right shoes to chase them.
*Jogging is not in my contract.
So anywho, the cameras tilted and swung around and we got to watch Drew act like he was actually in an 80s chick flick. He basically just swept Desiree off her feet and then pushed her up against a wall and kissed her face off.
Basically, exactly how my hubby kisses me when we are in foreign countries.
Desiree gave Drew (Ohhhh, how cute. They would be Desiree and Drew. Drew and Desiree. That has a ring to it.) the rose and then he promptly told her that James was there for the wrong reason. THE WRONG REASON.
Desiree was sad. But she said she wasn’t.
Group Date: Soccer
Juan Pablo was in his element. Me gusto Juan Pablo!!!!!!! Siiiiii. Chihuahua.
There was a game between the guys and Desiree. Desiree had some help with some girl pro players. The guys were all big talkers . . . and then the girls started killing the boys! It was fantastic. James was the goalie and did absolutely nothing.
He blocked the soccer ball the way I play volleyball. I just step out of the way. Oh no, here comes a ball . . . slide to the left. Watch out, here comes another one . . . slide to the right.
James was boring. The boys were dying over it and so was Desiree.
Later, Desiree had one on one time with the boys.
Desiree read a super long poem to Chris. And then she kissed Brooks. I am still not a fan of Brooks. There’s just something there not working for me. The hair? The way he talks? His voice? The kissing?
Do you like Brooks?
I do not. So I kind of feel like you shouldn’t either. 🙂
Then the boys confronted James on all his shade. He was throwing shade! (That’s an Atlanta Housewives reference for my Housewives peeps.) James is shady shade shade.
And James didn’t like it. Not one bit.
His defense for saying “I could be the next bachelor” was I WAS JUST KIDDING. And IT’S CALLED GUY TALK. And I’M GOING TO STAND UP AND SAY A BUNCH OF BAD WORDS BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HERESAY! And HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK? And I AM GOING TO BE THE LOUDEST ONE HERE. SERIOUSLY, HOW’S MY HAIR?
Meanwhile, poetic Chris was shushing everyone. Shhhhhh, he said. Shhhhhhh!
Desiree dismissed all the boys except for James. She called James into her office because he was in troubbbbllllle.
Desiree told him she believed all the guys. And James stuttered. And sputtered. And threw Mikey under the bus. He talked a lot. And then he got a headache. And he got teary eyed.
And then Des got teary eyed. And the music was sad. And there was a lot of face rubbing. And eye poking. To oneself.
People, it was dramatic. I was on the edge of my pillow.
So I had to rearrange my pillow and grab another one to prop me up a little straighter for all this James and Desiree drama.
Desiree decided they both needed to sleep on it and figure stuff out in the morning. But the boys back at the hotel said there was NO WAY Des would keep him, absolutely NO WAY, and then BAM! James walked into the room.
Shock and awe. James said, “Gentlemen . . . Goodnight.”
It was profound.
The next day, Desiree and Zak W. had their one on one. It was all about art. And they drew each other’s portraits and Zak’s was horrible. They laughed really hard which made me laugh. Honestly. I cracked up. Then I watched it again.
A male model came in next and dropped his robe so they could draw a NUDE. Zak’s expression was hilarious!
This was the best date ever – I loved it because he was cracking me up. I wouldn’t want to marry Zak, necessarily, but I would totally be his friend.
But I guess it matters what Desiree thinks instead of me. Seeing as how I’m already married and all that.
Des gave Zak the rose. He’s in love with her.
In the meantime, James confronted Drew on the whole NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASON issue. Not to be confused with HERE FOR THE WRONG REASON.
James talked in circles and made no sense. His argument was that he was not a bad person for saying, and I quote:
“If I make it into the final four and don’t get picked, the worst thing that could happen is I’d be the next bachelor.”
That’s the WORST thing that could happen?
How about the WORST thing that could happen is that you are devastated and heart broken and live in your sweats for six months and never shower and you lose your job and you gain weight from all the pizza you eat because that’s the only place that delivers carbs and soda?
That has never happened to me – I’ve been with my hubby since I was 19 years old, but I think I saw that happen in a movie once. Or I feel like that’s what would happen to me if I was kicked off The Bachelor. Or I could just be ready to write my novel once for and all.
I’d say if James made it to the final four and Desiree didn’t pick him, the BEST thing that could happen is that he is the next Bachelor and has 25 beautiful women to choose from and gets a paycheck for being on a dating show and kisses all sorts of girls and goes to exotic locations and is in charge of all the decision making.
That’s what I’d say. Well, actually, I wouldn’t say it because you’re not supposed to say it. All of those guys are thinking and hoping to be the next bachelor, obviously. But they’re not saying it out loud.
Ya big dummy.
Desiree and James had a little talky-poo in which James acted as if he were in a job interview . . . and Desiree cried. And they snuggled. And she DIDN’T send him home.
The guys were just as upset as me. James made no sense. He kept talking about his normal life at home.
Normal life? Normal life?! This is reality TV, James. There is no normal!
There was no cocktail party this week. Again.
This was a big week: Three guys did not receive roses.
Juan Pablo. No, no, no! Que pasa?! I’m tho thad. Juan Pablo said it was hard to date when you have a daughter . . . he was sad. 🙁
Kasey. Oh well.
And James. Finally! Desiree heard me through the TV!!! Goodbye. I do believe I once thought he was big and handsome and cute, but no more. NO MORE. He was all, “Why me? How did this happen?”
And I said, “Because you’re a big dummy! Ya big dummy.”
Next week, they’re going somewhere else, but I can’t remember. And in the previews it looks like Drew wants to leave or doesn’t love her or he is already married or maybe he doesn’t have a job or maybe he only likes beer and not wine — I don’t know really, but it looks quite serious.
I’m sure it’s just the editing and he needed to tell her that he cut his toenails too short or something.
So we’ll see.
Next week at this time, I will be in Texas! Woot!
Today I have big plans. I’m going to look for my To-Do List and I’m going to try to cross off one item.
Let’s all hold hands and wish me luck.