I started District Assessments today.
We’re not going to talk about that, though.
Let’s talk about people we don’t know in real life instead, shall we? I mean we’ve got two whole hours of our good friends, Onion Girl and Black Box Cover Up!
The episode began with Chris Harrison telling the girls that Prince Farming’s three sisters would be arriving to meet them and determine who would get the next one on one date. No one knew when this would happen . . .
Then they were given the first group date card which had a message about “going natural” so all of the girls were afraid that they weren’t going to be able to wear makeup.
SHOCK AND HORROR.
Instead, Chris took them to a lake to see how or if they could be one with nature.
A couple of the girls were confused about how to be one with nature. They thought it meant you had to get naked.
I am serious. Ashley I. (the virgin, if I remember correctly) took her top off and then Kaitlin took her bottoms off.
And I threw up a little. Talk about Tacky the Bachelorette. Kelsey, the cute girl with the bob haircut, was not a happy camper and I can’t say as I blame her. I’m more of a Kelsey girl, I guess. Team Kelsey? I don’t know. Call me Crazy (or Girl Who Keeps Her Swimsuit On) but I don’t see Chris picking any of the naked girls as his future wife.
And, if he does, well I just don’t know him AT ALL.
Kelsey was over the date. O.V.E.R. I.T. And then she found out that they were going to be camping there.
For the whole night. I really meant it when I wrote that Kelsey was not a happy camper. Literally. Not a happy camper.
Immediately, I wondered where the bathroom was and whether or not the production crew would bring me my contact solution and mouth guard if I was on that date. I mean, were these girls prepared for an overnight? I need to be prepared. I hope a little contact solution and a mouth guard doesn’t mean I’m high maintenance . . .
Back at the house, Chris’ three sisters arrived . . . Jillian was upset that she had been tanning, sweating, sleeping, drooling, and wearing a small bikini. In other words, she was upset that she was herself?
I don’t know.
The sisters took the girls aside for a one-on-one interview. Jade, a young sweet girl we don’t know that well, kind of stood out in a young, sweet, girl type of way and the music was soaring like a Disney movie, so I kind of knew she was going to get the one-on-one.
And, sure enough, she did. It was all about being a princess and the clock striking midnight, etc. Britt was shocked that she didn’t get it. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if she got it, but she forgot to say that she would be shocked if she didn’t. Because she was shocked. As in, her whole mouth came open.
Back on the camping date, the girls let on that they don’t like Kelsey.
Oops. Maybe I have her pegged wrong. Maybe I’m not Team Kelsey. I need to be on a team where people like me.
They think Kelsey is fake. Dun dun dun.
Onion Girl was there . . . she tried to do the Tooty Ta but she had no clue how to do it correctly. And then she said some weird things to Chris and kissed him . . . and said things like I hope that resonates in your mind tonight in a really really really qweit vwoice so as to appear sexy or something, but really it was annoying and I just wanted to yell speak up already, ya big ole whackadoodle, you’re scaring me!
Ashley I. and Chris did a lot of kissing and I wanted to throw up again.
I wonder if I’m getting sick (it’s going around) or if all this kissing is just plain disgusting and everyone’s microphones need to be turned down. It is so gross. Bleck. I could barely enjoy my Girl Scouts Thin Mints (and wine).
Chris gave Kaitlyn the rose and the other girls wanted to throw her in the lake. Watch your back, Kaitlyn.
They all went to sleep and Ashley I. snuck into Chris’ tent to tell him that she’d never had a boyfriend and that she was a virgin. But Ashley didn’t tell him in plain English which meant Chris was confused due to his half asleep state.
The next day, the girls learned that Jade got the Princess One-on-One Date and Ashely I. was so upset because no one would appreciate the Princess Date more than she would and when she describes herself, she describes herself as a Disney Princess and she can’t even look, it actually pains her to look . . .
Jade looked amazing (and Onion Girl looked like she had a black and white striped sock squished onto her head as some sort of beanie) and the girls were dying from jealousy and envy and every other that should have been me and I wanted that date and blah blah blah.
Jade went to the ball and Chris had no clue who was coming because the sisters picked her. Chris calmed his nerves by pretending to ball room dance by himself and I’m pretty sure he was told to do that because it looked so fake and nerdy and awkward and, let’s be clear, he is no Derek Hough. Poor guy. (And this is coming from me who has no clue how to ballroom dance and, for all I know, he was doing it correctly and had a special tutor on the set. I’m just going by my eyes.)
He seemed happy enough to see Jade walk down the stairs.
Jade is very sweet. I think I already said that. But seriously, she is! She seems like a down-to-earth good girl. He gave her the rose and then he told her he had one more surprise for her.
I guessed it.
Can you guess?
Well, you know it! It was a private concert! Okay, it was an orchestra, but still! They danced as if they were a prince and princess in real life! Then they kissed. But nicely. Jade didn’t try to suck his face off. It was refreshing in a all of this kissing up to now has been so loud and gross and Jade’s kissing is much more calm and quiet.
When the clock struck midnight, she ran down the stairs just like the real Cinderella! Everyone say it with me:
The next group date was for six of the girls . . . they each received a box with a wedding dress inside. They got dressed, caught a limo, then caught a plane, and then caught Chris in San Francisco where they got in another limo. They went to Muck Fest MS (raising awareness for Multiple Sclerosis) where they had to race through mud and muck in their wedding dresses.
Chris ran it, too. Jillian took off like a . . . like a . . . well, anyways. The other girls didn’t stand a chance. Jillian kept kissing her muscles. She might as well have said welcome to the gun show and I have weight lifting trophies and I’m stronger than any man so I can move hay and drive heavy machinery so pick me to live on a farm and you can be my cowboy and I’ll wear the overalls.
Chris hung back with the other girls and helped them which was nice.
Jillian stayed for a one-on-one . . . and Jillian talked and talked and talked. Chris didn’t get to say anything. He just nodded a lot and thought of unicorns and dancing fairies (his words, not mine).
Chris thought the setting was romantic . . . but Jillian wanted to tell dirty jokes and ask would you rather questions. It was awkward.
Chris started to figure out that Jillian is not the girl for him. And he told her he is looking for his wife and he did not give her the rose.
I was worried for Chris because Jillian could really hurt him.
But then she cried because she couldn’t be vulnerable around him and share her feelings, other than her feelings about muscles and jokes and competitions.
Goodbye, Black Box Cover Up That I Did Not Understand Because When You’re In Public, You’re Supposed To Wear Clothes That Cover Up Your Bits and Pieces. Goodbye.
At the Cocktail Party, Ashley I. decided to clarify what she talked to Chris about in the tent. She told in no uncertain terms that she is a virgin.
He was shocked. But he admired it and he respects her more now. However, Ashley I. was freaked out because he didn’t kiss her. So she cried and cried and cried. And cried. And cried.
She is exhausting.
THEN . . . Ashley I. told all of the girls that she’s a virgin and . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . Becca says I AM, TOO!
REALLY! Ha! But Chris doesn’t know. WE do, though.
Britt took Chris aside and pretty much laid into him about the nudity on the camping date, and how Kaitlyn got a rose after she took her bottoms off, and how Kaitlyn keeps getting rose after rose after rose, and what is going on, and what’s your thought process . . .
And Chris didn’t like it. Nor could he form a complete sentence about it, either, when he should have just said I am the Bachelor, I will do what I want, my relationship with Kaitlyn is none of your business, are you going to be this bossy if we get married, I want to be the boss, alright little lady?
Instead, he spoke to all of the ladies at one time and basically said Britt, you can go home now.
Not really. But he did say anyone was free to go if they were questioning his intentions.
He gave Britt the very last rose.
Maybe he does want a bit of a boss. I don’t know.
He said goodbye to Onion Girl. FINALLY. Who, by the way, felt nothing. Instead, she made weird noises and smiled creepily. For real.
Then he said goodbye to Julia (the girl whose husband committed suicide) . . . she cried, he was choked up, but Chris said she was not the girl for him. She was very gracious.
The previews for next week look very exciting and filled with drama so let’s all cross our fingers that it takes place before the last five minutes of the show.
Kelsey ends up on the floor, gasping for air, as people wonder whether to call 911, and she looks like she can’t breathe.
I’m sure she’s fine, though, because I haven’t read anything online about it.
What did you think?