For the last couple of weeks, we have had a problem at our school.
Dive Bombing Birds.
It first started on the day we had our On Site Common Core Training (you know – when I found out I’m a Smoothie). One of our presenters was on his way back to the library when we all watched a bird crash-land right onto his head. We gasped.
And then we laughed. Some of us may have laughed a little harder than others. I’m not naming any names.
What a freak thing, we thought.
Until we took a break, and headed to the lounge, and every single brunette was almost taken out by two low-flying birds.
Us blondes? We were good to go.
Turns out those birds had a nest in a bush right outside my classroom window. Which just so happens to be right across from our library. And which just so happens to be on the path that every student, parent, teacher, and admin walk along to get to the rest of the campus. In fact, we have shoe prints painted onto the sidewalk so that children take this exact path. Don’t ask me why. I do not know. The shoe prints are blue, and they are windy (not windy like the weather, but windy with a long i vowel sound), and what should take a kid one minute to get to the office takes more like five because they try to match up their shoes onto the blue shoes and they take the windy-isn’t-it-nice-to-be-killing-time-math-is-too-hard-today-path rather than the straight-across-get-there-in-a-jiffy-path.
Well, those birds guarded that path as if their lives depended on it. They took it quite seriously. Over the course of the next few days, they got braver and braver.
They would fly into and out of people’s hair. Zoom!
Children of all ages? Yes.
A bald man? Yes. He said he could feel the gust of the wings flapping by his head.
Blondes? Eventually. Yes. Us too.
There were stories of people being pecked. Not true, but I suppose the wings felt like it as they flapped past people’s heads. It’s important to know no one was pecked or harmed. Maybe they were given the willies or frightened a bit, but no one was actually hurt.
An innocent little boy told his teacher (my partner), “Guess what?! Guess what?! A bird fell on my head today!”
Hate to burst your bubble there, little fella, but he didn’t fall on your head. He attacked you. We died laughing.
Each day, I watched outside my windows (before school, while teaching, and after school) as teachers concocted various ways of being free from Bird Dive Bombings.
One would swing her lanyard with keys around and around like helicopter blades. (This was my preferred method, too.)
Another would talk to them. “I’m not getting your baby birds. I’m just walking to class. Leave me alone.”
Another would carry rolled up butcher paper and karate chop the air as she walked past.
All of these made me laugh and laugh. Because as I watched outside my window, I would just see crazy teachers either swinging things in the air and/or talking to themselves, and no birds. So they looked slightly crazy. Or normal for this time of the year. Take your pick.
The best ones were the teachers, parents, support staff, or kids who somehow had no clue about the birds and walked blindly into their path. Poor unsuspecting souls.
TAKE THAT! The birds would say as they flew into and out of their hair. WHIZZZ. SWOOSH.
And these unsuspecting souls would duck and crouch and look behind them and scratch their heads.
And I would laugh and laugh. When I would tell my husband the latest bird story, I could barely get the words out, and he’d be laughing too. I had my family in tears as I acted out the teachers with their weapons of butcher paper and keys, and the must-be-living-under-a-rock people who had no clue a bird was about to get them. I also loved to act it out for the teachers on my team who also saw it live and in person, but you know me, I’m a drama queen, and we would laugh and laugh all over again.
One morning, as we were saying the Pledge of Allegiance, I saw a particularly vicious dive bombing out of the corner of my eye. Just as I tried to smother my giggle, one of my boys started giggling as he said the pledge. That just set me off. So he and I giggled our way through the pledge which I know is disrespectful so please don’t write me a letter or turn me into the Patriotic Citizens of the U.S. We couldn’t help it! Especially when he turned to me and said, “Did you see that?!” all hilarious-like.
I just knew that those birds were going to get me BIG TIME because I kept laughing every time they got someone else. Karma, if you will.
There were times I would go the super long way that made absolutely no sense because I was afraid THAT DAY was THE DAY and it was going to be my turn. Other times, I prayed.
Please protect me from the birds. Please don’t let them mess up my hair. Or poop on me. Amen.
Well, I’m happy to tell you I was never dive bombed.
This story does not have a happy ending.
Because as much as I was afraid of the darn birds, I understood they were doing their job. They were protecting their babies. But other people did not feel the same way. There was talk about liability and danger and unsafe environment and blah blah blah. So calls were made. And some guy showed up.
And even though we were told he was a wild life preservationist or something important like that, he wasn’t.
My partner and I watched out my window as he grabbed the nest of baby birds and dumped it on the ground.
I told you. NOT A HAPPY ENDING.
The mama and daddy birds were going crazy.
My partner and I were in tears.
It was HORRIBLE.
And now I can’t stop thinking about it.
And I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to somebody. But I don’t know who.
One of our male teachers was so outraged that he kind of yelled at the guy.
But I don’t know who or why or how it ended this way.
I just know the birds are gone now and it’s safe to walk on the path.
But I miss the birds.
And I feel sad. 🙁
Live, Laugh, I LOVE Kindergarten says
I feel bad for the birds now! But I can just picture all the teachers using their "weapons" to get past those birds! 🙂
Live, Laugh, I love Kindergarten
What an awful example they set for those children! They could have put a sign up asking people to go around or warning about the birds. How awful and I'm sorry you had to see it.
That is soooooo horribly sad.
Oh my goodness! I'm so sad now! Poor birds. 🙁
Crystal Shepherd says
I loved the first part. I am sad to hear the ending. We have several bird families that nest in our sheltered areas, but they are used to us being there. We have never had the dive bombing your birds gave you.
The lamppost in 1st grade math
Mrs. B. says
You are an amazing writer because you just moved me from laughter to tears. I love birds' nests. I'm the talk to them variety. A jay was a little aggressive about her nest near my front door. I kept reassuring her that I didn't want her eggs. I know. Birds don't understand English.
Why in the world would someone want to do that?
But oh my word, I'm dying laughing at the visuals you gave!
Mrs. Thigpen's Kindergarten
Ashley Sanderson says
I can't help but love your posts! They are so hilarious and sad all at the same time!! Those poor birdies! I probably would have cried too.
Flying High in First Grade
Wow! Cute and funny story up to the end! I would've lost it on that guy and MANY expletives would have exited my mouth (well provided there were no children around (if kids were around it would've just been in my head I suppose).
Miss Foote says
I do not know whether to laugh or cry at this…I am just stunned! Awful!
That is a hilarious story that turned tragic. That is sad. I would write a letter too. You could just print out your blog and then send that. They'd get the point.
That is horrible! I'm so sad for the momma and daddy birds and their babies. I would have just put up with the dive bombing and walked another way, if possible. So sad! :(.
You had me laughing so hard in this post. I was visualizing all the people. My mom and dad have a wreath on their front door. It had a nest in it and then they hatched and flew away. Now they have another one on the other side of the wreath. We had to use the back door all the time because they would go crazy. That is a very sad ending though. =(
Oh- I was laughing so hard through your blog till I got to the end. So sad. But- I do have a sick sense of humor and would have laughed at everything else. That's terrible he did that to those babies!!
Miss T says
How sad 🙁
But imagining the teachers protecting themselves made me giggle.
Journey of a Substitute Teacher
MAybe the moral of the story is…laugh while you can! Not EVERYONE has a good sense of humor. Glad I don't have "his" job! wendy email@example.com
Dusty Drosche says
Wow, that is a sad ending. On the other hand the rest of the post had me laughing out loud! Ahhh, the fun of watching the bird attacks! 🙂
I am tho thad… I mean seriously… we once had more than twenty teachers herding a gaggle, a flock, (or whatever it's called)of baby ducks and the momma from our courtyard through our indoor commons and out the front door of school. Our courtyard is enclosed and they couldn't get out. We now have these crazed looking fake wolves they put out there to keep the ducks from the area… keeps the kids away too though, bright side, the teachers get the area all to themselves!
Aww no! Poor birdies!!!
Some birds built a nest and laid their eggs behind the light fixture outside my K classroom. They were, understandably, protective of their babies. So I changed the spot where my class lined up, and we entered the classroom very quietly, so as not to disturb the bird family. And the birds did not bother us. Soon enough, the babies flew away. And we made sure another nest was not built there. I cannot imagine destroying the nest and the babies. Now I feel sad.
OMG who does that???!!! I too knew your story had a sad ending but totally forgot about it b/c of the hilarity of your post so I was somewhat shocked. Actually, I'm pretty shocked. Whatever letter you write please add my name to it as someone outraged by the baby bird murder.
That is so terrible. Shame on him!!! Those poor birds and their babies. 🙁
Extra Special Teaching
Interesting that at the end of this post there are three suggestions "You might also like…" and two of them are Angry Birds!
Like Meg Grosse, I too forgot about the sad ending and am shattered that someone could be so heartless. Wildlife protection could have relocated the birds. Unleash some Angry Birds on that horrible guy!
Mrs Poultney says
The first part of your story made me laugh and laugh, because I have been one of those teachers walking with a metre ruler above my head to make me appear taller (I am 4ft 11) so they wouldn't think I was a child (they were the ones being targeted). We have these particularly vicious birds in Australia called magpies that swoop people when they have eggs or babies, they are large and lethally accurate. My daughter got swooped and pecked when she was just 2 and riding on her daddy's shoulders, left a scar on her pretty forehead. But our birds are protected as they are native and they are not allowed to be removed…. EVER…..NEVER. If someone did that here, there would be an outcry and the SPCA would be called…seriously. You should google magpies and have a look at how scary they are, but when they are not mating they have a lovely warbly sound and are placid, a bit bi polar these birds.
I am sad for your Mama and Daddy bird.
Mrs Poultney's Ponderings
Heidi Butkus says
If it weren't for the sad ending, that may be the funniest story I've ever heard!
I'm sorry for the sad ending though!
Mrs. Phillips says
I will bet my life that they were Mockingbirds. They are very aggressive in protecting their young. One year they nested in my boysenberry bush and I could not pick the berries without getting attacked. And I mean viciously attacked! I made no boysenberry jam that year!
Teaching Texas Teens says
Once when I was a small child I had family friends that a crow as a pet. Yes, a crow (they were sort of weird.) Anyhow, this crow chased me in their backyard one day and landed on my blonde hair and pecked at the shiny silver barrette I had in it. It scared me for life. Then the crow discovered where my elementary school was and it chased me not once but twice on the playground there. It landed on me once again and actually stole the clip I had in my hair out of it. I was terrified. To this day I am a little leery when I heard the sound of a crow calling out….. Your bird story is funny. I laughed because I have been that victim of a dive-bombing attack bird and I now know how hilarious a sighting like this could be. I cannot imagine that horrid man dumping the birds and ruining their home. You should have your firsties make a sign that says, "Nest for rent—beware large mean man" or have them build a mini-memorial for the family who lost their homes much like the tornado victims in Oklahoma!
Tammy Klinger says
Thank you Kristin! I needed you this week! Tooooo funny. Sorry for your loss, but I'll bet they've already started a new nest and a new batch of babies:)
First Grade @ Storybook Cafe
K. Mo says
That's so sad! Our playground backs up to a nature preserve area with a pond and meadow so we get tons of Geese who like to use our basketball court as a potty and they have also been know to drop some bombs on us while at recess from the air…. The bonus is that there are always a few set of goslings right about now to watch.
Flamingo Fabulous in Second Grade
Oh my! Could they not have simply placed a few cones so people would walk a different route? That is just horrible. What an inhumane way for that man to "solve" the problem.
Carrie Shiley says
Such a sad, sad example for your kiddos. Next time birds build a nest, you ought to move it to a safer location without calling the "powers" that be. Now you know who really are the 'bird' brains in your district.
Oh no!!!! I know I was warned, but I was horrified to find out what happened!! The poor birds…I don't know why people handle situations like that. I was laughing so hard at the beginning but now I am sad! I will continue catching up on your blog so I can find something happy again 🙂
Aw, those poor birds! Wasn't there a better/happier way they could have done that? 🙁
The Polished Teacher says
Oh how terrible! I can't believe he just dumped them on the ground like that! But really you have to agree it is quite a funny story! You seriously need your life to be a reality TV show! However, my favorite part is how your related posts that I might like at the bottom is of your angry birds classroom management posts because that's all I kept thinking was how you really do have angry dive bombing birds at your school! =)
The Polished Teacher
Second Grade Cup of Tea says
O my gosh. this is worse than those horrible sad endings to movies! You even warned me! Did I listen? NOooooooo!!!! I kept reading, mesmerized, KNOWING that it did not end happily!
Let me know who to send the letter to when you find out.
Whoever arranged for this man to do this is a horrible person! What a sad story!!